How long does heartbreak last?
The answer you don't want to hear
Maybe this is the search term I've googled the most in recent months. It provides a sense of control to know how long your misery lasts. To look past something and focus. In reality, you drown precisely at the moments you don't (anymore) expect it.
If you ask the mastermind Google or know-it-all ChatGPT, you won't exactly be cheerful about the answer. Maybe if you've entertained yourself with someone for a few months, but if you've been together for sixteen years, it's a slightly different story. Long story not so short: sometimes it even takes years. Goodness, I wasn't waiting for that response.
Divided by two
A famous saying is that processing the end of a relationship takes about half the time the relationship lasted. Good lord, I think I need to recover from this news. This rule is also happily immediately debunked, because it can of course all take shorter but also longer.
Processing heartbreak has more to do with than just the duration of a relationship. Think about how your relationship ended, abruptly and dramatically or with good conversations and enough time? Additionally, factors like emotional dependency, toxic connections, or infidelity guarantee that you'll suffer from the nonsense longer.
I've been apart from my ex for almost half a year now, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him at least once. Don't get me wrong, I don't indulge in misery much, sometimes it's just a coffee cup in the cupboard or when you accidentally say ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. That's very understandable, according to heartbreak experts, because when a relationship ends, you go through a grieving process where you say goodbye to someone. That takes time.
Withdrawal symptoms
In practice, psychologists see that it takes an average of three to six months for heartbreak to leave your system. That's how long the processing takes, give or take. In more complicated breakups, it can even take up to two years. I recently heard someone say that her heartbreak lasted seven (!) years. Maybe my mouth fell open for a moment and I couldn't close it afterwards.
Helen Fisher conducted research and showed through brain scans that the brain areas linked to addiction and desire still show activity for months after a breakup. Heartbreak thus resembles having withdrawal symptoms. A plausible explanation for why the process can take longer. The good news is that most people experience a significant boost in mood after a period of six months. Regardless of the duration of the relationship, so let's just leave that rule as it is.
Of course, there are ways to help yourself get through heartbreak faster. I learned from Doctor Juriaan Galavazi that my sadness belongs to me. Not to my ex. He has nothing to do with it anymore. It's up to me to process that. You often feel sad or angry because of something an ex did, but seeing it separately and keeping your emotions to yourself strangely gives you air. It's a way to avoid sinking into blame and hassle.
Tips to quickly lift yourself up during heartbreak:
1. This wasn't my favorite, but I now know it works: limit contact to a minimum. Out of sight doesn't mean out of heart, but it does give you a moment to catch your breath. Call less, turn off your online visibility, limit texting to (for example) once a week, and plan more days or weeks between your meetings. This has also been scientifically proven; staying in contact with an ex can prolong your sadness.
2. Feel what there is to feel. Take the time to cry, even if it drives you crazy. Emotional suppression, as they beautifully call it, slows down processing. In the book ‘Everything is Possible’ by Yeliz Çiçek, I read a clever way. She was advised to just take the time for a crying session while she was in the shower. It might make showering a bit less pleasant for a while, but this way you give the sadness a place every day, making it hit you less hard at other times.
3. Let your friends and family take care of you. A study by Verhallen in 2019 showed that social support speeds up the processing of heartbreak. Let your inner circle know that they need to catch you, because otherwise you might crash. With a bit of luck, they'll show up every day with loads of food at your door. What you then throw in the trash, because with a bit of bad luck, you only eat yogurt and soup. But it's the thought that counts.
4. The most important: be a little kind to yourself. You don't gain anything by thinking about what you should or shouldn't have done. Think about what you would say to a friend and apply this to yourself. And then be kind enough to actually do it. Additionally, it helps to sleep well, exercise, and eat healthily. Although I won't blame you if this comes after drinking, smoking, and staying up all night. But remember: don't be too hard on yourself, that can also be allowed.
5. And what helped me the most besides the support of my dearest friends and family? Writing. I wrote a diary full of everything I thought, felt, and experienced. My best friends have the task of burning this ritualistically when I pass away. In a campfire, accompanied by champagne. That much is true.
Image: Andjustlikethat|Hbo
