Sex at my in-laws during Christmas (how?)

I can already see this coming. We have to stay at my in-laws' house because they live too far to drive back after Christmas dinner. But just for a moment, there are really very few things as unromantic as staying with your partner at their parents' house during the holidays. Are we going to sleep again in that ugly guest room with its brown ugly floral duvet from 1930, the walls are thinner than your patience on day three and somewhere downstairs your mother-in-law is already snoring. And yet, I want Christmas sex. Sorry, but a white Christmas for me is a must. For you too, right?

The reality of the guest room

During the day, I am really sweet, social, and quite grateful for everything. I help with the dishes, politely laugh at those stories I've heard more than eight times, and I eat just a bit too enthusiastically from those disgusting pieces of rollade. But at night, when everyone finally goes to bed, something happens. It's Christmas.

You lie next to each other. In silence. Listening to the house. To the sounds of the stairs. To a dripping faucet.

Timing is everything

At your own house, everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately, not at your in-laws'. Sex then becomes a really awkward situation. It's not romance.

Sounds you suddenly become hyper-aware of

Everything sounds louder. Everything creaks. The floor. The bed. Yourself. I pull us both under the covers. Because no one must hear us.

My partner whispers things like: “Don't move.”
I only think: “Do I hear something? Why do I hear footsteps?”

But at that moment, the tension is really not sexy, but quite panicky. Because imagine if someone suddenly stands in the hallway. In slippers. And has a question about breakfast for tomorrow morning. Why does no one grant us that white Christmas with loud bells that I am trying to create myself.

The thin line between exciting and awkward

On one hand, there is something rebellious about intimacy in a place where it really doesn't belong. But that was really something you might have found exciting ten years ago. But now? Now you mainly want no one to notice anything.

I don't want to give off signals. No suspicious silences. No “is everything okay up there?” through the door. You want to be invisible. Unheard. Unspoken.

Small signs that you might not have been so discreet after all

And then the next morning, I'm so afraid that they heard it anyway.

• Your father-in-law who noticeably quickly opens the newspaper in the morning...
• Or that one comment, so you are having a white Christmas after all?
• Your mother-in-law who suddenly says “GOOD MORNING” way too loudly...
• Or that one look. That says: I know something, but I'm not going to say anything about it

And that might be the worst part.

Will we ever talk about this?

No. Of course not. Never, ever!

This is a collective silence. An unwritten rule. Sex at your in-laws' doesn't exist, even though everyone has proven that it is technically possible. But it really doesn't exist.

I might talk about it with my girlfriends. Whispering. Well, maybe not that. But really with vicarious embarrassment and a lot of laughter. “No, but really, I barely dared to breathe the next morning.”

Conclusion: it happens, but no one claims it

Sex at your in-laws' during the holidays should be a must, they know it and we know it. But still, I know it's not smart, but we actually always do it anyway. Not because it's ideal. Not because it's romantic. But because we are together. And Christmas sex is just the most romantic.

And afterwards? Afterwards you just go downstairs to have breakfast together. As if nothing happened. With a croissant. And eye contact that lasts just a bit too long....

And you? Sex at your in-laws', or not?