This is how dry begging puts your relationship under pressure

There's a good chance you've experienced a situation like this: reluctantly, you start clearing the table while your partner comfortably flops down on the couch. You mumble something like ‘how nice it would be if I didn't have to do this alone.’ What you really mean is ‘could you help me out here,’ but you don't say that. It sounds very innocent, but it's actually quite manipulative; and it can put a lot of pressure on your relationship.

Dry begging: what is it actually?

Dry begging is a way to express your needs, but indirectly. You don't literally say what you want (from someone), but you either subtly hint at it or not. In many cases, emotions are also somewhat exaggerated to make your wish a bit clearer. By dramatically sighing that you're going to do the groceries yourself again, you're actually telling your partner that they should also make a trip to the supermarket more often. With this, you hope that the other person will take the initiative themselves next time and help you without you having to ask.

Why people engage in dry begging

According to therapist Tori-Lyn Mills, people often resort to dry begging out of insecurity and fear of rejection. To really say what you want from someone, you have to make yourself vulnerable; and that's not always easy. Asking indirectly feels a bit safer. Dry begging can also be a communication style you've learned over time. Perhaps as a child, or during a previous relation. In some cultures, it's also something very common; directly expressing your needs is then seen as rude. In most cases, there's nothing malicious behind it, and it's certainly not intended to emotionally manipulate someone; but sometimes that is indeed the intention.

Does dry begging also have a narcissistic edge?

Dry begging is often linked to narcissism, and that's not surprising. There are certainly overlaps, but it doesn't mean that everyone who asks for something in this way is immediately narcissistic. With narcissists , their goal is to truly manipulate someone and instill a sense of guilt. They will keep going until the other person does what they want; it doesn't stop at just sighing about something once.

This is how dry begging puts pressure on your relationship

Letting someone know what you want with dry begging once isn't so bad; it becomes a problem when it really becomes a habit. By constantly placing the responsibility on someone else and playing on their guilt, a lot of pressure builds up in your relationship. Irritations arise that will continue to build. It can also happen that someone starts doing things they really don't want to do, or even crosses their own boundaries to please the other; this can also happen around intimacy, putting mutual consent at risk.

What you can do against dry begging

Just like with many less desirable habits, step one in doing something about it is awareness. If you notice that you often express your needs in this way, it's good to reflect on why you do that. Do you want to spend more time with someone, or are you overwhelmed by everything you have to do in a day? By taking a moment to think about this, you can address it with the other person and look for a solution together. If you catch someone else regularly using dry begging, discuss it with them, and especially let them know that they can just ask you directly. They probably don't mean any harm, so you'll likely work it out together.

Image: My Oxford Year, Netflix Source: Women’s Health, &C, Huffpost