Relationship

This is how to recognize commitment issues: 5 clear signals

By Adeline Mans | #!31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:003631#31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:00-12Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam202531 09pm31pm-31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:0012Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam2025312025Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +02000512057pmWednesday=9#!31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:00Europe/Amsterdam7#07-09-2025#!31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:003631#/31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:00-12Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam202531#!31Wed, 09 Jul 2025 12:05:36 +0200+02:00Europe/Amsterdam7#

Finally have a person of interest in sight, one of you takes off running. Do you recognize the pulling, pushing away, and sometimes even completely disappearing? Maybe it’s not intentional, but you’re just dealing with a solid case of fear of commitment.

The dictionary for describing situations within relationships is almost infinite these days. If you think you’ve figured everything out, we suddenly start sabotaging again by love echoing. And just when you finally understand what a situationship is, the experationship makes its entrance into the dating world. Yet there is only one attachment issue that transcends all those trends: fear of commitment. It’s been around for centuries and it seems like it’s here to stay. Nice, such an old familiar face, until you have to deal with it.

Signs of fear of commitment

If you feel like you’re being tossed around in your contact with the other person, that could very well be a sign of fear of commitment. Hannah Cuppen wrote the book Liefdesbang, an absolute must-read if you want to gain more insight into yourself or the other. She emphasizes in her book that it’s about a continuous dance of closeness and distance. The remarkable thing is that this is always a play between two people. Even if you yourself don’t have a fear of commitment, you are still part of it and have a share in what happens. The bitter truth is that fear of commitment and fear of abandonment seem to attract each other. And in both cases, the individuals are afraid of real connection. A funny joke from mother nature.

How do you recognize fear of commitment? There are dozens of clear signals, but if you can check off these five, the chances are high that you’re dealing with it. ‘You’ can of course be replaced with he/she/they in this case.

1. You withdraw when someone gets too close
The tendency to distance yourself from someone grows when a relationship becomes more serious. This has everything to do with making yourself vulnerable.

2. You quickly feel a sense of suffocation or oppression
It doesn’t even have to be literal. It can arise the moment you feel that the other person is too needy or present. The fear of losing your freedom quickly rears its head at such moments.

3. You have a preference for unattainable or unsafe partners
It’s nice and clear when the other person isn’t completely available. Think of someone who is already in a relationship or lives at a suitable distance.

4. As soon as something starts to feel good, you put a line through the relationship
You panic when something feels nice or right. This is often the moment when you start looking for reasons to distance yourself.

5. You prefer to rely on logic over feeling
You can trust your head, your feelings usually play tricks on you. By continuing to analyze, you maintain control over a situation.

Causes of fear of commitment

The fear of committing seems to be the opposite of the fear of being abandoned, but secretly they are closer than you might think. It’s all about fear in both cases. Cuppen describes this beautifully: fear has a slow energy, but love is free of any judgment.

It’s important to realize that your potential partner is not at fault. If it’s really about fear of commitment, there’s a lot of old pain involved. And that pain creates a pattern that sometimes never completely disappears. Fear of commitment often arises from insecure attachment in childhood. “The person with fear of commitment wants love, but the fear of losing freedom or losing oneself is greater than the need for closeness,” according to Cuppen.

Dealing with fear of commitment

You can’t fix what is broken, keep that in mind. If you are the person struggling with fear of commitment, there is certainly a lot to gain and heal. But don’t have the illusion that you can change this in someone else. However, it’s not impossible to connect with someone who has fear of commitment.

First and foremost, it’s important to recognize the situation. It’s too simple to keep asking yourself why the other person behaves that way. Why do you stay in this situation? Then focus on yourself instead of the other. What do you need? You are your number one, and it’s therefore important to learn to attach safely to yourself.

Indicate what you need, speak up. And if your person can’t give you that? Set boundaries and attach consequences for yourself. It doesn’t help you if you keep adapting endlessly but ultimately lose yourself. Whatever you do, especially don’t try to solve it. It’s enough to show that you are there, but forcing it backfires.

Finally: patterns are there to be broken. If you stop being part of a toxic dynamic, it becomes impossible for it to exist. The moment you stop trying to convince the other, space is created. That space can play out in two ways: either the other seeks closeness or the person takes off anyway. And let’s be honest, in that last case, you’ve made a good choice for yourself.