Do you also have a friend who never pays?

My fresh column that hopefully helps you solve your problem, slightly inspired by my favorite podcast Aaf and Lies will sort it out again. I received another fresh question with a pressing issue.

“I have a friend who no longer belongs to my first or second circle of intimates, but who is dear to me. We have known each other for a long time, even before we had children. My friend has a nice life, but financially she is a bit less fortunate than I am. But here’s the thing: every time we go out to eat or have a drink, we pay. Our scheduling often goes like this: she cancels a made appointment, often at the last minute, then it takes a long time before a new appointment is made, resulting in it no longer being clear who paid last time. I wasn't really aware of it at first, but I now see a pattern. And it starts to bother me because she always behaves as if she is inviting us the whole evening and then we take the bill. You could say: we have a bit more to spend than she does, but she also has a decent salary and we are not millionaires either.”

Phew, tricky. And also quite recognizable. I also know people who always split the bill if they have eaten more expensively than the rest of the group and who, another time, precisely add up what they used when they ate cheaper than the others. I would wonder what this friendship brings you anyway. It all sounds a bit stiff. Recently I read an article by Carolien Spaans about friendship, in which she quoted her handyman who characterized friendship as ‘someone for whom you tip your wallet to buy a beer’. I thought that was a nice metaphor. But I will assume that you want to maintain the friendship. Then this is tricky. If you bring it up, it could be that they label you as stingy and then you miss your goal. Maybe you can see what happens if you don’t immediately take the initiative to pay the bill. Or you walk to the bathroom, ask along the way the ober if he can bring the bill to your table and stay away a little longer. Just see what happens.

If all that doesn’t work, you have two options as far as I’m concerned.

1. You accept it and just pay every time
How often do you see each other? Twice a year? Well, then it is what it is and you name it that way. “I think it’s time we take you out to dinner again.” Who knows, they might realize it someday.

2. You discuss it anyway
Maybe you can say that your partner is really a sweetheart who always likes to pay and doesn’t make a fuss about it and that it’s probably not intentional from your friends, but that you have paid for the last four dinners and it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.

Tip: avoid words like ‘always’ (we always pay), because then the other will always go on the defensive and undoubtedly come up with an example where it was different.

Tip 2: Give the other person some credit, keep your observation open and don’t fill in too much. Ask the other person if he/she understands that it gives you a somewhat uncomfortable feeling.

Good luck!