How do you recognize a sincere apology?

In a sincere apology, someone takes responsibility for what has happened. That person names their own behavior, acknowledges your feelings, and explains how it will be different in the future.

How do you recognize a fake apology?

A fake apology is often vague, rushed, or rehearsed. Someone may also blame others, fail to acknowledge your feelings, or only say sorry to get something from you.

What is an example of a fake apology?

“Sorry if you feel hurt” is a well-known example. With this, someone does not take responsibility for their own behavior, but emphasizes your reaction.

Why do people give a fake apology?

People can fake apologies to quickly end a fight, avoid consequences, or get something done. The goal is not to take responsibility or repair the relationship.

What should you do if an apology doesn't feel sincere?

Ask the other person to clearly state what they are apologizing for and what will be different in the future. Then, pay attention not only to the words but especially to the behavior that follows the apology.

Body & Mind

This is how you know if that apology is real or super fake

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You probably recognize it. Everything seems to go as if you are in a Nancy Meyers movie. The weather (whether it's autumn, summer, winter, or spring) is always nice, you get a fresh bouquet of roses every week, and your new flame could very well be your soulmate. You have the best friends who love you and would never hurt you, and as if it couldn't get any better, you are nominated for a new promotion. Life is good. At least you thought so. Until someone in your life suddenly comes with a confession that turns everything upside down. Your friend or partner tries in vain to make excuses, but yes. How do you know if they are sincere or if you are just accepting everything to get a knife in your back next month? Experts know how to recognize a fake apology.

The truth always comes out

That's something that is always said. ‘The truth will always prevail.’ Yes, that's very nice. But how can you, uh, speed that up? Sometimes you just don't have the time to run away as hard as Jess in Gilmore Girls and hope that the truth comes out months later. Actually, you want to gain the skills to catch a liar red-handed. Fortunately for you and me, there are indeed some signals you can recognize during an apology that may indicate that it is super fake. Like:

1. It goes too fast

Where spontaneity is usually a positive trait, you would rather not have someone in front of you who talks as fast as a private jet during a sorry speech. If someone is genuinely apologizing, that person takes the time to think carefully about what effect their actions had on you and how their behavior can be better in the future. If a quick ‘sorry’ lands on your plate or a nearly rehearsed spiel about why it was wrong is recited at record speed, this may indicate a lie. When someone feels guilty because they are lying, they may start to talk quickly.

2. They blame other people

This is already half an apology, but okay. It happens. Someone tries to apologize, but there is always something or someone responsible for the actions they are apologizing for. It wasn't their fault that they forgot to pick you up, causing you to walk home in the rain for an hour. That was because their favorite football team lost and they were just ‘too emotional’. And remember that time you were belittled? That wasn't their fault, but your parents', because they always made jokes about it and now you can't handle a joke anymore.

3. It is vague

Okay, okay. Vague is, as the name suggests, quite unclear, so we have come up with some examples for you. Think of someone who only says, “Sorry if I did something wrong.” That's very different from someone who immediately takes responsibility and indicates what happened: “Sorry that you feel sad after I didn't text you all day. It was so busy that I didn't think about it. But it wasn't my intention to ignore you and make you feel bad.” Do you see the difference? One remains vague in their answers. It revolves around something hypothetical that you feel, but not about what that person did. When someone remains too vague, it may be that they are lying about the fact that they truly regret it.

4. They only say sorry if they get something in return

An apology should be free. Someone has done something that hurts you, so that person should pay for it and offer their apologies. If someone truly means those apologies, they won't say that they only say sorry if you do the dishes tonight. If someone does this? Then that person probably doesn't really feel guilty about what they did.

5. They do not acknowledge your feelings

Denial is a river in Egypt and your partner is deceiving you. Yes. For those who don't know that reference: your partner (or anyone who doesn't really apologize) denies your feelings. They say sorry, but you can see from everything that they don't mean it. They don't look you in the eye, they remain vague and they keep apologizing in ways like: “I'm sorry if you feel bad,” or something similar. If that's the case, then you know that they are apologizing to get out of this argument, but not because they truly feel remorse.

Do you recognize one or more of these signals? Then you now know how it is: those apologies are just super fake.

Credit: Courtesy of Prime