Body & Mind

This is how you deal with that friend who is a bit heavy-handed

By
Two stylishly dressed friends are sitting together at a table during lunch and are laughing at a phone.

We all have her. That one girlfriend who always lingers just a little longer in a situation than you would. Who can analyze a text of three words for three days and who suddenly starts talking about something someone said to her in 2022 after a fun evening.

And don't get me wrong: I love her. Really. But sometimes I also think: girl, take a breath. Because where I think: oh, it'll be fine, she thinks: but what if it doesn't turn out fine? And that can sometimes be quite exhausting Let out a little scream, eat another Zeeuwse bolus, shake your hips, the moment we have all been hoping for is finally here.

Three girlfriends sit on the sofa, looking tight-lipped and startled, while watching a horror film or series on Halloween.

Don't immediately shout that it's not that bad

“Hey, don't worry so much.” Probably one of the first things you say when someone is really stressed about something. Very well-meaning, but actually not helpful at all. Because once your friend is in her head, she won't get out of it just because you tell her not to be in it. There's a good chance she'll start worrying about the fact that she's apparently worrying too much (and that's really an endless cycle).

So instead of immediately saying that it's all not that bad, you might as well just listen first. “I understand that you're upset about this” is sometimes enough. You don't have to come up with a solution right away and also not with a complete analysis of why it’s probably all not that bad. Just give her exactly what reassures her.

Of course, there is a difference between listening and going along with the pessimism. Sometimes the answer is annoyingly simple. And that's exactly what someone who overthinks everything might need. Not to push her feelings away, but to remind her that there are also other options than the worst-case scenario.

You don't have to solve every problem

Some evenings she just wants to vent everything. Then you don't have to fix anything at all. No advice, no action plan, and certainly no “have you tried to...” Often someone just wants to share her story while you say “yeah, really” and pour her another glass of wine.

But there are also moments when you notice that you are having the same conversation for the fourth time. Then you can gently say that it might be time to let it rest for a bit. Not because her problem is unimportant, but because sometimes there's just nothing more to analyze.

Go out together for a bit

A friend who is heavy-hearted doesn't always need another conversation. Sometimes she just needs fresh air. A walk, getting a coffee, or just going into the city. Something that gets her out of her head and back into the real world.

Because if you both just sit on the couch with phones in hand, the chance is high that the problem will only get bigger. So sometimes the solution is just: put on your shoes and go outside.

Don't forget about yourself

Perhaps the most important thing: you can be a good friend without becoming her personal crisis manager. Of course, you can listen, think along, and be there for her, but you don't have to take every problem home with you.

Friends are there to catch each other, but that doesn't mean you have to pull each other down permanently. Sometimes it's actually love to bring someone back to reality for a moment. A little listening, putting things into perspective, and occasionally saying that it's enough with all that analyzing. And there's a good chance that in a few days she'll say herself: “What was I actually so worried about?”