Cold war in the bedroom: 80% of the couples is fighting over sex
Not with you? Or not yet? It can come from moment one or later in the relationship. Because one just wants it more often, the other really prefers a bit less. And before you know it, there are also months between those sheets of yours. For example, I want it more often than my husband.
Research by sexologist Mariëtte Sinninghe Damsté among about 5,000 heterosexual couples shows that about 80 percent struggle with a difference in sexual desire.
There are few topics that couples avoid as easily as sex. We talk without problems about work, money, children, in-laws, and who hasn't emptied the dishwasher again. But as soon as it comes to the question “How often do we actually have sex and are we both happy with that?”, it suddenly becomes a lot more complicated.
According to Sinninghe Damsté, a difference in desire occurs in the vast majority of couples. The problem, according to her, is not only in how much sex a couple has, but especially in the difference between the needs of both partners.
And no, that doesn't mean that 80 percent of couples argue every night about sex. It's about something subtler: one is more often in the mood than the other, and that difference starts to create tension.
One feels rejected, the other feels pressured
The problem is not always in the amount of sex itself. It's mainly what happens when both partners have different desires.
The one who takes the initiative more often may feel increasingly rejected. Do you still want me? Do you still find me attractive? Why are you never in the mood for me? Meanwhile, the partner who is less often in the mood may feel more and more pressure. As if every kiss, every touch, or every cozy evening on the couch could possibly lead to sex.
Because the more one feels rejected, the more that person may seek confirmation or closeness. The more pressure the other experiences, the greater the need can become to actually take a step back.
Before you know it, you're both in a kind of cold war under the covers.
A difference in desire does not mean that there is something wrong with your relationship
A difference in libido does not mean that there is something wrong with your relationship.
On the contrary: it is actually very normal for two people not to always have exactly the same amount of desire for sex. Sexual desire is not a fixed quantity that is at the same level for both partners every Tuesday at 9:00 PM.
Desire can also change due to various circumstances. Stress, fatigue, work, children, hormones, physical changes, medication, insecurity, or simply a busy life can all influence how much desire someone has.
There is also something else: the desire for sex does not arise in the same way for everyone.
One feels spontaneously: I want it, come here. For the other, desire only arises when there is already intimacy, relaxation, and touch. If you assume that everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way, you can easily miss each other.
And then the big misunderstanding arises
One of the most annoying things about a difference in desire is that both partners can ultimately feel misunderstood.
The partner with more desire may think: I must always be the one who takes the initiative.
The partner with less desire meanwhile thinks: I can never just cuddle without it having to lead to something.
Both can feel rejected, but in a totally different way.
And precisely because of that, it often ends up not being just about sex. It's about affirmation, attractiveness, love, closeness, and the question of whether you are still desired by the person with whom you share your life.
That makes the topic so sensitive. Because saying “I want sex more often” can be heard by the other as “you're not good enough”. And saying “I don't feel like it right now” can come across to the other as “I don't find you attractive anymore.”
While neither is necessarily intended.
Why talking about sex is so damn difficult
Apparently, we find it easier to have sex than to talk about it.
Many couples discuss how often they have sex, but much less often what sex means to them. Is it mainly physical for you? A way to feel connected? Do you need affirmation? Do you feel loved when your partner takes the initiative? Or do you actually need intimacy without it automatically leading to sex?
Those may be uncomfortable questions, but they can prevent every difference in desire from being interpreted as a personal rejection.
Because maybe it's “I don't feel like it” sometimes it's just exactly that: I don't feel like it today.
Not: I don't want you.
The bedroom doesn't have to become a negotiation table
No, it can actually help to have the conversation outside the bedroom. Not at the moment when one of you has just been rejected or when the other feels pressured, but at a calm moment.
Not allowed: “Why do you never want sex?”
Allowed: “I notice that we are different in this. How is that for you?”
That may sound less sexy than a spontaneous hookup, but it can actually take a surprising amount of tension out of the bedroom.
So: who is right?
No one.
And maybe that is the most important insight behind that 80 percent. In a difference in desire, there is not automatically a guilty party and a victim. There are usually just two people who both need something different.
One wants to feel desired. The other wants to feel free to say no.
One seeks connection through sex. The other needs connection before sex becomes attractive.
And as long as you continue to see each other as opponents in this, the cold war will probably just continue.
Maybe the solution doesn't start with having sex more often, but with finally saying out loud what you actually need.
From the bedroom to the theater
The research of sexologist Mariëtte Sinninghe Damsté was the reason for the relationship theater ZIN, in which the difference in desire and everything that comes with it is central. The performance can be seen in various Dutch theaters from September 11. If you would like that!
