I want more sex than my husband (and that feels uncomfortable)

I always really thought that this kind of sentences were spoken by men. In forums. With a lot of frustration. In any case, not by me. And yet I write it. With desire. A lot of desire for sex. While my husband mainly wants to... sleep. Here we go again. And don't get me wrong, it's not just about fucking, but about being seen and desired.

Let me just put it on the table: I want sex more often than he does. And no, that doesn't feel empowered or spicy or “good for me”. It mainly feels confusing. And sometimes just plain awkward. There is just too little written about this. Maybe this isn't a sex problem, but a story about desire that doesn't run in sync, and how uncomfortable we find that in women.

Because don't men always want it?

That's how it has been sold to us. In all the movies. In all the series. Even in all the conversations with girlfriends. We, the women, quickly turn around. The man who whispers “shall we?” and pokes something hard in our back.

But no, here we go again, because in my version it's all the other way around. I put on something that Instagram calls “sexy and seductive”. But he, he puts on his sweatpants again. And asks if I have to get up early tomorrow. But how can this be? I honestly thought that men could and wanted it 24/7 too.

Libido differences in long relationships turn out to be more normal than exceptional according to research, even if the woman is the one who wants it more often.

Being sexy while someone is just tired

The strange thing is: he really doesn't reject me harshly. And it's not a big drama. No fighting. No “I don't want you”. It's softer than that. And maybe that's why it's so annoying.

A kiss on my forehead.
An “I'm really exhausted today.”.
A hand on my leg, but just not further.

And rationally I understand it all. Work. Stress. Head full.
But libido is not rational. Libido is a horny feeling. And that feeling is sometimes surprisingly unfiltered.. 

Why this feels so uncomfortable

Because no one prepares you for this scenario. For a woman who wants it more. For the doubt that comes with it, because yes, that is there. Or that little voice that whispers: am I too much?

We all talk very easily about not having sex. But unequal desire? That often remains silent. As if it's more embarrassing to want too much than too little.

The conversations you postpone

Because how do you say this without it sounding like a complaint?
“I miss you” sounds better than “you keep leaving me hanging.”.
“I don't feel that desired” is more vulnerable than “we do it too little.”.

Sometimes talking helps. Sometimes nothing changes immediately.
But pretending it doesn't exist? That definitely doesn't work for me.

No solution, but a truth

No, this is not an article with tips like plan a date night or just do it more often.
This is just a reality check.

You are not weird.
Not needy.
Not exaggerated.

You want it. And your partner sometimes wants it less.
That's not a failure. That's human.

And if my husband reads this: tomorrow can also be today.
I say. Without pressure. But with lingerie.