Why a narcissist doesn't know that they are one

You probably have an ex, colleague, mother-in-law, or manager who a narcissist is. You know, someone who only thinks about themselves, makes everyone work for them, and does everything to be right. We might be quick to label this nowadays, which is quite logical, because they seem to be everywhere. Elon Musk? Donald Trump? Mariah Carey? They are all narcissists, but they probably don't even know it. That has everything to do with their brain.

The brain of a narcissist does not see itself as a narcissist

If you've ever had an argument with a narcissist, you know that you are always the one who has to say sorry. This is because narcissists do not question whether they have done something wrong. They do not think they were too harsh or that they shouldn't have brought up your mother-in-law. Psychologist Betsy Holmberg knows how it works: the brain of a narcissist simply works differently. In your brain, there is a network that automatically gives meaning to what is happening around you. In most people, that system partially focuses inward: on reflecting on your own behavior. In narcissists, the focus is more outward. This makes it seem, in their eyes, that it is always someone else's fault.

That is precisely it. Narcissists really do not understand that they are the problem. You would think that a narcissist thinks about all their mistakes at night in bed, but that does not happen. They see themselves as a good, reasonable person who does everything with the right intentions. If your relationship falls apart, it is because you are ungrateful. If colleagues get angry, then they are just jealous. And if friends distance themselves? Then they just can't stand that he is always honest. Their self-image and their behavior are therefore far apart.

You cannot change a narcissist

That is why it makes no sense to want to change a narcissist. That only helps in therapy. Most people seek help when they notice that something is wrong, but narcissists see no problem. I understand that. If you think that everyone around you is doing everything wrong, you are not going to seek help. But that does not mean that a narcissist never consciously manipulates you. Some people with narcissistic traits know very well how to play others. They do not see this as something wrong, but as a way to help themselves. In their perception, they are defending themselves, proving their point, or fighting for something they feel entitled to.

That is exactly what makes it so annoying for the people around them. Most people assume that someone who hurts them knows it too. As a result, you keep looking for the moment when he finally realizes what he has done. You explain it again, send a long message, or try to calmly explain why something hurt. But if someone truly believes that they have done nothing wrong, that acknowledgment often never comes. That does not mean that your feelings are not valid. It just means that you are waiting for something that the other person probably cannot give at all.

That is why the most important lesson is to keep looking closely. Forget all the words, look at actions. And I am not talking about someone's behavior after a month of dating. It is important to look over a longer period at how someone behaves. Whether they care about you and really want to invest time in you. Is it not all about them? And can they take responsibility for the mistakes they make? Can they handle criticism without getting angry? Those are signs that you are dealing with someone who can learn from their mistakes. Someone with narcissistic traits can learn, but a true, severe narcissist cannot.. If it keeps going wrong time and again? Then you are mopping with the tap open.