Sex parties are a trend among those over 40
“I go to an erotic party more often than to a club”
Okay, I'm just going to say it: when a friend of mine excitedly told me last year that she had been to an erotic party, I immediately thought of a musty basement with red curtains and men in too-tight pants. I was wrong.
What does such an evening actually look like?
I wondered that, so I decided to apply a bit of participatory journalism. I don't think my boyfriend has ever been so happy with my job, but that's beside the point.
Forget the cliché. We're talking about sold-out evenings at trendy locations, with a strict dress code (lingerie, latex, or something in between but in any case something that leaves little to the imagination), no phones, and house rules explained as if it's a safety briefing for a flight. Consent is not a buzzword, it's the foundation. Men who come alone (so without a partner) are refused or strictly screened at most events. The atmosphere is the same as at a good club night, but with less clothing, a bit more self-awareness, and a little extra.
Big Little Secrets, one of the better-known names in the scene, describes their evenings as “an immersive adventure of sexy whispers, exciting dark corners, and intimate playfulness.” And the tickets sell out so quickly that Harry Styles would be jealous.
Who actually goes there?
Not the stereotype swingers club-visitor of the past, that's for sure. More and more, it's ordinary thirty-somethings and forty-somethings who want to enrich their relationship, singles who are tired of dating apps, or just people, like yours truly for example, who are curious about what happens behind the curtains. The audience is also getting younger according to Het Parool.
The motivation varies, but one thing you keep hearing: on such an evening you feel free. No performance pressure, no ex who tells your story to everyone tomorrow, no awkward photo that can be posted on Facebook. Just all people who want the same as you, an exciting evening that will give you a tingling feeling for at least a week.
Why now?
I wondered that too. The answer is actually logical when you think about it for a moment. We live in a time where autonomy and self-determination over your own body are taken seriously. Therapy speak is mainstream, setting boundaries is a compliment, and “what do you actually want?” is finally a question people are asking themselves. An erotic party fits surprisingly well into that: you go there because you want to, on your terms.
Moreover, and this might be the real reason, after years of swiping and new-but-still-so-tired Tinder dates, a whole generation simply craves real, physical connection. Not through a screen. Just: people, in a space, with a shared understanding of what the rules are. And yes, sex. We just want that too and sometimes it's nice if there's no further follow-up.
Is it something for me?
Honest answer: I don't know. It requires a good dose of self-knowledge, good communication with a potential partner, and the ability to respect both your own boundaries and those of others. If you're still discovering that, you don't have to go there right away. So I went, with my boyfriend, you understand, and found it particularly interesting to see. Participating was a step too far for me, besides I was there as an observing anthropologist. Behind that excuse, I could hide wonderfully. What happened afterwards at home, I won't tell you, but that we were particularly inspired to spend the next day in bed, I will tell you.
But for those who are ready: the scene in Amsterdam is bigger, more diverse, and more professional than ever. From ultra-exclusive and high-end (Killing Kittens, where you have to submit your photo and can't just walk in) to more accessible and queer-friendly. And sold out? Regularly.
By the way, my friend is going again next month.
