Throning: the dating trend where your date is for status
In choosing a partner, many factors come into play. One that seems to be becoming increasingly important: what do others think of your new lover? Thank you, social media. And that’s exactly why a well-known dating trend is making a comeback on TikTok: throning. Dating for status, then. Not exactly the best foundation for a relationship. Believe us, you don’t want to participate in this toxic hype.
What is throning?
In short, throning is someone dating because of their status. You choose someone because they have prestige, influence, or reach. Think of a large following on social media, that holy blue checkmark, or (business) connections in all corners of the world.
The idea behind it? According to therapist and dating coach Kesley Wonderlin, the hope is that this status gives your own image a boost. You place your partner on a pedestal, or better said: on a throne, and expect them to take you to the top. Because yes, having someone like that by your side surely says something about you.
Yet something doesn’t feel quite right. That gut feeling is correct, because this trend is a lot more toxic than you might think.
What makes throning so toxic
Those who engage in throning choose a partner for the wrong reasons. Not because they fit well with you or make you feel good, but because the other has a status you can ride on. You don’t see that person as an equal partner, but as something you can use for your own benefit. The infatuation then isn’t about the person, but about the image.
If this happens to you, it may feel for a moment as if you are truly being placed on that pedestal. And that doesn’t seem so bad. The whole world can see that you are a couple, and the pride radiates from it, at least, that’s what you think. Often, that exaggerated appreciation is mainly intended for the outside world and all the perfect Instagram snapshots. Once you are alone together again, the compliments suddenly become hard to find.
The relationship becomes superficial, and according to relationship coach Amie Leadingham, that also affects how you view yourself. “You start to wonder: am I only valuable for what I deliver?” You feel used, and that is far from a nice foundation to build on together.
Where does throning come from?
The idea of dating someone with a higher status is not new. Just think of our favorite costume dramas. The members of the ton in ‘Bridgerton’ or the Bennet sisters in ‘Pride & Prejudice’ also focus on someone from a higher class. That principle is called hypergamy: entering into a relationship with someone of a higher social position. Once very normal. But why doesn’t it feel that way now?
That’s because throning is really something different from hypergamy. Where it used to be mainly about long-term security, such as financial stability or better future opportunities, throning is much more about the short term and image. How does your relationship look to the outside world? How does it come across on social media? Everything must be picture perfect on the feed, as if you have it all together. So also with whom you date. The idea is not new, only the motivation has changed.
High standards or throning?
Does this mean you shouldn’t have any standards at all? Certainly not. There is an important difference here as well. Those with healthy standards expect norms and values, shared future ideas, and emotional availability in a partner. And conversely, the other can expect that from you as well. There is mutual appreciation.
According to Leadingham, standards help you protect your own value. With throning, the ego is at the forefront. The appearance, popularity, job, and connections of someone weigh heavier, and that quickly makes it superficial.
The wish list doesn’t have to go out the door, as long as the intention is right. Many likes on your couple photos are nice, but that’s not what love is about. A partner is not a status symbol, but someone with whom you can be yourself.
Source: Cosmopolitan
