HOW SEXY ARE NON-SEXY THINGS?

You read it somewhere. “Women just need to act normal and not worry so much about all sorts of nonsense.” We can endlessly engage in bathroom rituals, spending heaps of money to look as soft and smooth as possible, a lady doesn’t drink beer, we will never burp or fart, and what happens in the bathroom is a well-guarded secret. But, is that really necessary? And do we have to suppress all our human necessities for the man? For answers to those questions, I asked my male friends what they thought, and these are their answers.

“Pfff it’s only women who can get worked up about this,” said the first. “Burping and farting, not shaving your legs, wearing ugly underwear – these are all things that are by definition not sexy. And peeing with the door open? No come on, keep that to yourself. It depends on what phase of the tension arc you’re in. If you just met someone, you don’t want that, but if you’ve been together for years, it’s a different story, then you don’t want your girlfriend to panic about it.”

“Farting on the other hand is a bit of a thing”

Sounds clear right? It’s only allowed once you’ve been together for a while, at the beginning you still keep up appearances. But not according to the next man I spoke to: “Peeing with the door open is fine. It’s actually very cozy. Even at the beginning of the relationship, yes, it’s a sign of less shame so that’s actually good. Farting on the other hand is a bit of a thing. It’s allowed, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Burping is fine, especially at the beginning, and she pretends it was an accident. Drinking beer is great. And not wearing makeup? Also great, I find it very annoying when a girl doesn’t dare to go outside without makeup. It’s actually sexy that she doesn’t care about that.”

Then the third man goes a step further and says he actually finds it sexy when a girl pees with the door open, “but I think I’m a bit weirder about it than the average man. Drinking beer is also sexy. Burping and such is a bit less, but a farting contest is of course awesome.”

“I find it very annoying when a girl doesn’t dare to go outside without makeup. It’s actually sexy that she doesn’t care about that.”

Another extreme is found in the fourth man. When I present him with the burping-farting-beer-peeing-unshaved-legs issue, the answer is: “to tha left to tha left, everything you own in da box to tha left.” For him, nothing is tolerated. He is the only one who is so strict about it. The fifth man summarizes it as follows: “I think it mainly has to do with clumsiness. If it’s too clumsy, it’s not sexy. A little burp and being surprised by it is fucking cute of course, but that has nothing to do with sexiness.”

So, all in all, there’s no measuring stick for it. In general, I would say that farting should be limited to a strict minimum. Another friend who is quite open-minded compared to the rest (“drinking beer is great, preferably while eating”) also says that farting should never be allowed, and he is supported in this by almost everyone I spoke to. A burp now and then is fine, peeing with the door open is tricky, drinking beer is actually encouraged, and try to keep your legs as smooth as possible. Oh, and, just leave your makeup bag at home.