5 PARENTING LESSONS YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT

When you have a child, you want to do everything right. I still remember that I thought with my first (the count is now at three): she is my blank slate, I will do everything right with her. I thought about the first bites and tried to create a kind of balance that I thought would optimally develop her taste.

I also thought of all the things I could no longer do now that I was a mother. Taking a sip while walking through the room, for example. I did that quite often and I found it way too chaotic. A mother should radiate control and organization. When someone offered my child a candy, I cringed. Just the thought of it. Sugar…

By now I have three children and I have strayed quite far from my original plan. What am I saying, I am adrift. Just like you probably, and we are now going to agree together that we will not feel guilty about it.

1. Negotiating

I still remember reading the foreword by Esther Goedegebuure in JAN where she complained about her own reward behavior with her children. I was childless at the time and did not understand the problem. You get what you give, that’s how it works in real life, right? Can you start too early? By now I understand Esther because you just want your child to do something ‘because you say so’ (damn), and it feels like a weakness to have to entice them with a reward. But hey, if it works, it works. Let it go.

2. In your bed

My first child has hardly slept in a crib, resulting in her still considering our bed (she turns 8 next week…) as hers. I was going to do it differently with her successors and that went well for a while until they felt how warm and cozy it is in that big bed. And until we all watch The Voice (or K3 zoekt K3) in the evening and all sexy time with your partner is suddenly taken over by family coziness with chocolate and chips in bed and so on.

I have surrendered to it and realize that they will eventually lock the door and hide their diaries from me, so until that time I enjoy it.

3. Candy

I managed to raise one child sugar-free for a long time. I presented a rice cake as a filled cookie, muesli was at least as tasty as crunchy granola, and juice boxes always came from the organic store. At some point, I thought; what am I doing? If someone was handing out treats, my daughter wouldn’t be allowed to have anything? Come on. Look, cola is really a no-go (although very rarely, in exceptional cases, a sip from my can is taken) and you won’t find bags of candy at my house, but when ‘the wine guy’ comes with his secret candy stash, I let them go for it. And yes, then they can also have a second. At our home, the kitchen cabinet was filled once a week on Fridays, and I grew up reasonably healthy. So. Let it go. Children who never eat candy often go wild in an embarrassing way when they visit somewhere where it is allowed. You don’t want that, right?

4. Get rid of that stuff

I once read a column by Bastiaan Ragas in which he told that he and Tooske would go on secret toy hunts at night while the children were sleeping. They would fill a few garbage bags and toss them with the bulk waste. No one noticed. Great idea. It seems like there is more and more kids’ gear every week. Coloring books, markers, a banana jump rope from the greengrocer, stuffed animals from Albert Heijn, and everything is equally important. For the kids, that is. But keeping in mind the motto ‘what you don’t know doesn’t hurt’, I also go through the house with heavy artillery once a month (usually during that time) and toss the whole mess straight into the trash.

5. Throwing away crafts

Still a sensitive point. Especially when my daughter sees a drawing lying in the trash. “Mom, something went terribly wrong. You accidentally threw a drawing in the trash.” Saying that I did it on purpose, I am too cowardly for that. So I do it secretly. Because crafts are almost worse than toys. They multiply day by day and with all due respect and love for my children and their crafty teachers, not all of them are masterpieces. Moreover, I have three daughters. I could keep them all in boxes, but then what? Solution: take photos. Then you have the memory but not the space. It’s also an option for Mother’s Day gifts, although I can’t bring myself to do that…