First aid for arguments

A very good friend of mine called me. She received an email from her mother-in-law that was so harsh that she had to sit down for a moment. It was a culmination of a situation that had been disrupted for years. Where you actually don't even really know why you're so angry with each other, but where everything is misinterpreted. An argument with a loved one can almost feel like heartbreak. The need is high, so the rescue is near.

Accept the sadness

Don't try to brush it off. Arguments are stupid and hurt. So, bring in the wine, hand over the chocolates and just feel sorry for yourself for a moment.

At ease

When you receive such an email, or a letter or whatever, it is advisable to take a time-out. Don't respond, step away from the fire. Everything you do at that moment will be misinterpreted. Let it rest.

Call a friend part 1

Pour your heart out, tell your story completely from your point of view, just brush aside your own shortcomings for a moment. Let her think the other party is really stupid and you are absolutely wonderful. You need someone who is completely on your side right now.

Call a friend part 2

Your wound has now stopped bleeding. It is now time for the first step towards healing. Call another friend and tell the story in a nuanced way. Also try to honestly say what you haven't done quite right or what you shouldn't have said. You need to provide her with everything she can use to come to her wise advice.

Devil's advocate

You are only ready for this step after a few days or maybe even weeks. But try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How do they see you? How has the whole situation been for her?

Try to love your enemy

Enemy is such a strong word, but you understand what I mean. Even if you might currently curse that person to deep Russia, try to see the nice things in that person. Ronald Jan Heijn eventually forgave his father's murderer. Why? Because it gave him more peace. Living in forgiveness felt a lot better than living in hate. Just for that reason. And because the path to a solution is much less bumpy if you assume the best.

Coming together

This is a tough one. Some situations need time. A lot of time. So be patient, try to be kind and keep the lifeline on important days.

In another situation, you can also go to that person, show that you are affected and say that you want to lay everything on the table with the intention of working it out together.

Are you a little less heroic? Then sending a card or a letter might be a very good idea. The other person can take the second step at a time that suits her.

Enjoy others

Cherish your friends, mother, sisters and sisters-in-law with whom you have no problems even more. Shit happens, arguments occur. Even in the best families and in the deepest friendships. Cherish what you have and bet that it will pass?