Fun & Famous

being left is painful, being left for someone else is even more painful

by Marion Pauw

He didn't know anymore. He wanted to be free. He needed space. He didn't feel it anymore. He needed a break to figure it out. And even more of that kind of vague stuff. For a while, he had been giving off these kinds of signals and I had tried everything within my power. I had tried to figure out what was missing. Or what was too much. Was it me? My child? My dog? And what was he looking for? Should we see each other less often? Or more often? Should we go to therapy?

When it became unclear what was going on but I kept hearing the word space, I decided to give him that. So I didn't call him as much anymore. I stopped sending him heart emojis. I didn't take the initiative to meet up. It made me insecure and nervous. So when I saw him, it felt like I was at a job interview. I stole his phone while he was showering and searched for suspicious messages. And then hated myself for it. I took him to my therapist in hopes of answers, but it seemed like the distance between us only grew. I slowly but surely became emotionally exhausted.

My first reaction when it ended was one of relief. Finally, I didn't have to wonder what was wrong with him anymore. Finally, I didn't have to try so hard. Finally, I could focus on myself. I was sad, but I also felt a sense of space now that I didn't have to worry about him anymore.

And then I found out: he had been with someone else all along. And I, who had KGB-like investigative skills (this isn't even an exaggeration), hadn't noticed. Yes, in hindsight, I could place a lot. The night he had been completely unreachable and later said he had been at a party with friends I didn't know. The critical look he had given me. His absent behavior. The ‘freedom’ and ‘space’ he needed turned out to be freedom and space to see if he could build a relationship with her.

While I had been quite calm when I found out there was another woman, I completely fell apart. While I had been relatively calm in the weeks before this whole situation. I was literally sick with sadness. And I was surprised by it at the same time. Why did it matter so much that suddenly there was someone else in the picture?

Previously, it had just ended because it wasn't working anymore. Previously, I could have thought it was my boyfriend who was apparently a bit confused. Or that the relationship had become a bit worn out. Now I had been replaced. For someone who (apparently) was more fun. More beautiful. Funnier. So it was all just my fault. I felt extremely, but also extremely rejected. And on top of that, I was furious because he could now happily continue with his life, romantically drinking wine and cheese on the couch that I had upholstered, hand in hand making rounds among the people who had previously also been my friends, and I was totally devastated barely able to get out of bed (though I did lose four kilos, which was a nice bonus).

Now most relationships – especially longer ones – end because one of them has someone else. And that makes sense, but that's what my next blog is about. The chance that you are sidelined because your ex has someone else, or worse: turns out to have one, is quite large. And I will say this in advance: the other is rarely the cause, more often a consequence.

The question is: how do you deal with that?

The answer to this is not so simple. I think that first and foremost, you shouldn't want to deal with it. Just let it happen. Be sad, be angry, feel everything that can be felt. Give yourself completely to it, cry your eyes out, scream into the wind, hide under the blankets. As long as it takes until you reach the bottom of the pit. And that bottom is there, no matter how deep the pit is. And only then does the difficult journey upwards begin.

The second thing you need to keep in mind is that the other is rarely the real reason for the breakup. I will write an extensive blog about this that you should read afterwards. But it helps enormously if you shift your focus from your ex and your ex's new partner to yourself. Every time you get lost in angry and sad thoughts about him or her or them, every time you obsessively scan their timeline looking for more clues, try to consciously switch back to yourself. Ask yourself: what do I need? What have I learned from this relationship? What kind of love do I wish for myself? This is much easier said than done and requires enormous mental discipline. But do try it! Especially if you notice that you only become unhappier from your thoughts about him/her/them. A handy trick here is to allow yourself twice a day for twenty minutes to indulge in the most terrible thoughts. Write them down! But then you return to yourself. Be your own best therapist, friend, and mother. Why? Because you are always there (duh).

Then a third point: The more intensely you react to this, the more you have likely let your self-worth depend on your ex. You have probably been so focused on his wishes, his desires, you have probably worked so hard to keep receiving his love, that you have completely overlooked yourself. You are angry and sad because you have been replaced by someone else. But be honest: to what extent have you still been your true authentic self in the relationship? I hadn't been my own nice self with my ex for a long time. In fact, in hindsight, he may have held on for a long time with someone who was needy, distrustful, and angry. Now that it's over, you finally have the opportunity to return to your true self. You don't do this for someone else. You do this especially for you. Because you're worth it.

And finally: I have also been in the other position. That of the deceiver. Even then, my relationship fell apart and it was a fucking mess. And I can tell you that I would much rather be in the shoes of the one who was deceived than in the shoes of the deceiver. You are probably angry because he lied to you. Believe me, the damage you inflict on yourself by lying to someone who loves you and trusts you is even greater. When I had an affair, I could barely look myself in the mirror. I had no idea who I was anymore and why I had done things I never thought I was capable of. I felt empty inside and had no idea who I was anymore. And at the same time, I was in some kind of hysterical love story that even a heavy cocaine addict could learn from.

When I was deceived myself, I was deeply sad and angry, but I felt pure. I could look myself straight in the eye. I could cherish and care for myself. I even saw a strange kind of beauty in my pain. It was certainly not fun and definitely not easy, but I learned so much about myself and what I need in a relationship. If I were very Dalai Lama, I could even be grateful to ‘the other woman’ for being the crowbar in my previous relationship. Because as you may have read in the overwhelming number of wedding posts, I am now very happy with my new love. And with that, I come to my very last point: life always goes on. People disappear from your life, even the people you have loved a lot. But new ones always come back.