Happy & Healthy

KIKI’S DIET DIARY: “THE EASTER BAGELS ALMOST CAUSE AN ORGASM”

Easter and dieting. 1+1=14 extra kilos. At least, that’s how it feels. I’m sure that those dreadfully many calories I’ve consumed over the past week must be causing extra ballast.

It started with a visit to my in-laws. My mother-in-law has a knack for whipping up forty dishes when ‘the kids’ come over. The question was whether we wanted to ‘Easter gourmet’. I tell my boyfriend that it’s not really a smart idea when you’re on a diet . “Tapas then?” Seemed fun to me. I would skip the alcohol for my own good. We arrive in Tiel at noon, and by 3 PM I’m tipsy. Story of my life.

I eat stuffed eggs, salmon rolls, cheeses, meats, toasts, delicious fatty Parma ham with melon, and basically just EVERYTHING that’s in front of me. The next day the joke starts again, this time at my mother’s house. Her famous bagels with salmon, egg, and cream cheese almost cause an orgasm, so you’d be crazy to leave that alone. Jillz on the side, even HAGELSLAG on oven rolls with delicious, fatty butter. Intense enjoyment.

“I don’t think the scale and I will ever become friends”

If my dietitian reads this, I’m GRANDIOSELY in trouble, so I secretly hope she doesn’t. I skipped my weigh-in last week, but Friday it’s that time again and I have to blow her away with my ‘uber-slim’ fit girl figure. Oh gosh, I’m scared.

Is it possible to lose two kilos in two days? Is it very bad to hope for a serious diarrhea attack or a tropical stomach flu? Is there a way to manipulate a scale? I don’t think we’ll ever become friends. Or should I go for four hours a day sweating in the gym? Or in the bedroom? Sounds pretty intensive, but better than that damned gym. Or just slurping down yogurt and soup? Mwah, doesn’t seem very healthy to me. Why do I always go completely wild the moment the holidays come even close? I have no idea, but I can tell my jeans are not happy with my love handles. Suddenly there’s a kind of ‘flap’ peeking over the edge of my jeans. Help people, HEEEELP.