Fun & Famous

QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD NOT BE ASKED

And how on earth do you respond to that

I was recently at friends“ house and we were talking about their new home. Their new purchased house. It all sounded fantastic, such a splendid own nest, bought with their own money. ”How much does it cost?“ I wanted to know. Not to pry, just to gauge whether that would be a feasible option for me and mine as well. ”Enough," was the reply, an answer that you obviously get nothing from. But the moment I heard myself ask that question, I already knew this would be recorded as one of my famous impertinent questions. People don’t want to talk about money.

Voilà, so I am an impertinent questioner. I have no problem with that at all. I like to understand things, to grasp how things work – a handy quality if you want to write a somewhat decent report on a subject. I like to dig, to see what kind of diamonds you can unearth from beneath the surface. According to an old friend, I am an honorary member – and the only member, too – of the Questioning Club. Anyone who approaches me with the same curiosity can simply count on an answer, I’m not shy about that.

“Am I not allowed to crack that secret money code? Or do my friends not want to grant me that?”

I may like to ask questions, but I’m not stupid, of course. I have come to understand that people find some questions impolite or inappropriate. I try to take that into account, but the force is strong within me. So what do you prefer not to ask about?

Money

No one likes to talk about money. What a house costs, how much or how little you earn, what your hourly rate is. Money is dirty laundry that you don’t hang out in public. But how the hell am I ever supposed to find out what I’m expected to charge for a certain service if no one wants to be a sounding board? And how unfair is it that I dream of a certain purchased nest because friends whom I think have about the same amount to spend as I (we) also have their own little place, which upon a little digging on Funda turns out to have cost at least three times what you expected? How do they do that? Am I not allowed to crack that secret money code? Or do my friends not want to grant me that?

Babies

“So, when are you going to start having kids?” It’s the most annoying question you can be asked around your thirties, often enough because you yourself probably aren’t even sure if you want to have a little one. Moreover, the answer – or rather the expectation – is already embedded in the question: people automatically assume that you want children. This is actually the only topic I am really cautious about. Experience has taught me that women sometimes spend years trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. Or waiting fruitlessly for a prince to have children with. Such a question is often like a knife in a festering wound. It stirs up a lot of sadness that you might prefer not to bring up at a pleasant garden party. I get it. But if you want to talk about it: I’m all ears.

“If you have a really nice dog, you wouldn’t get another one just because the first one is so nice?”

Family expansion

“So, when is the second one coming?” See everything under the heading babies, actually. Not everyone wants a house, two kids, and a Fiat Panda in the driveway. For me, it’s: I don’t need another child. I already have one. And during such chats, I formulated it like this: if you have a really nice dog, you wouldn’t get another one just because the first one is so nice? Oops, did I just compare children to dogs? Yes, I did. End of conversation, I can tell you that.

Getting married

“So, when are you two getting married?” A typical question I can ask, just for fun. The institution of marriage means nothing to me, and I’ve never dreamed of a man on his knees and being a ‘bride in tulle cloud’. Many of my friends feel the same way, but sometimes a bridezilla suddenly appears in response to such a question, like a devil out of a box. It turns out he has never popped the question, which suddenly indicates a lack of interest or commitment. Or the plans fell apart because one of the two wanted to marry under prenuptial agreements, which the other saw as a motion of distrust. Anyway: a sensitive topic that can expose a sore point.

Sex

I heard from a friend that her boyfriend had just gotten a new colleague at work. One with Asperger's syndrome, someone who doesn’t really know what is appropriate or not. After a few weeks, the new colleague asked J. if he had ever had anal sex. A legitimate question, which can somewhat catch you off guard during the eleven o'clock coffee break. “No, because I have too big a dick,” J. had answered. A legitimate answer that can also catch you off guard while having a piece of cake with coffee during the eleven o'clock coffee break.

“He later found it a very scary question”

I like to talk about sex just as much as I like to write about it, so I just ask whatever comes to mind. One night I was walking home through Vondelpark with a friend, and I wanted to know if he had ever had sex in the park. He squeaked a very restrained ’no“ while I was already rambling on about the next topic. He later found it a very scary question, after which he had to quickly come up with a very diplomatic answer because he feared that I would nail him to a tree and rape him right then and there. But I think that had more to do with his inflated sense of self-worth.

Anyway: asking is free. But what do you answer if you really don’t feel like answering and the question cannot possibly be brushed off with small talk? Well, simply: the slightly childish “hussen with your nose in between” suffices perfectly, in my experience (I use it on the rare occasions when I don’t want to answer because I feel it’s not the right moment). Present it with a generous smile and then decisively move on to another topic. No pin can get between that.

Text: Kalinka Hählen