Happy & Healthy

The 26 things I think when I stand naked in front of the mirror

Yes, you will click on that, right? Little perverts! Just don't think that there is a nude photo in this post, because while we may now be sort of friends, I'm certainly not crazy. And I haven't been hit by the mill either. And I haven't eaten any mushrooms. Or worse: a wrong mushroom. When I was 16, I knew someone who had eaten a wrong mushroom and they definitely did post a nude photo. Too bad for you that I haven't eaten a wrong mushroom! I just ate a bar of plain chocolate. Okay, back to the subject. What do I think when I stand naked in front of the mirror? Well, I can tell you: a whole lot. Like every woman. I really hope so. Otherwise, I'm back to being so alone with my misery and I couldn't handle that. Here we go.

1. Well, nice showered, now I'm going to get dressed – WHAT THE FUCK? Is that my belly? Is it still that big? Why is that? What kind of hell is this? I've eaten nothing for two days and is this the result?

2. Well, nothing, nothing, nothing, I'm eating less than before anyway.

3. You just watch, I naturally need some kind of special mega complicated diet to lose weight.

4. You know what it is? Some people just really have more bad luck than others. I'm one of those people. For example, I never find money on the street. I mean, everyone I know has found money on the street at some point. Or coins at a festival. Or a charged public transport card. And I just have to be happy for them every time, but really, you don't find something yourself because your karma is good or something.

5. But enough moping, we're going to tackle this better. I'm just going to do a sport! I'm sure there's a profit to be made there. Maybe I should also get a personal trainer right away. Someone who calls you angrily if you don't show up and tells ghost stories about how you'll have to book two seats if you fly otherwise.

6. They say that if you can still see your feet, your weight isn't that bad. But that's tricky because that's of course dependent on the day. And what to do if you can still see your toes? Well? I have that today.

7. By the way, I really need to think carefully about which sports I'm going to do, because I want a sport that has quick results. Otherwise, I can never keep it up. And I don't want to get too tired from it either.

8. Running always makes me so incredibly tired, you wouldn't believe it.

”I just ate a bar of plain chocolate. Okay, back to the subject.”

9. It always looks so easy, that running and you can schedule your own time and stuff, and there are some pretty nice running outfits from Nike, but looks can be deceiving!

10. Anyway, is one of my breasts now bigger than the other?

11. And I've gotten another little spider vein on my right knee.

12. It's such a small red broken vein, but I read that it can take very serious forms.

13. I'm definitely going to inquire if you can have that removed.

14. Pits. I see pits. Especially when I push here very.hard. And don't think there are just five, because pits operate in groups.

15. I just have to swim, that's the sport where you easily train almost all muscles and you don't get so dead tired from it because the water also ‘carries’ your body a bit, so to speak.

16. It's a shame that the swimming times are never set by someone with a bit of understanding of swimming times. The ideal time is Saturday around eleven o'clock, or at least before happy hour. Nothing difficult about it, but I don't know any pool where you can swim laps then.

”What do I think when I stand naked in front of the mirror? Well, I can tell you: a whole lot.”

17. If a pool in Amsterdam reads this with lap swimming on Saturday afternoons, then you can always email.

18. What does my eye see? What is going on with my hips? I gave birth over nine months ago and they always say ‘nine months on, nine months off’? Well, not for me.

19. Is it because I don't exercise?

20. No, I already know, it's of course because I have more bad luck than others. With some women, the hips really widen after giving birth and I've drawn that card. BAM.

21. By the way, I need the very best sun out of a bottle, because with these milk bottles, there's no way I'm going out on the street. We really can't do that to people anymore.

22. Well, today I definitely need to choose some relaxed long pants. One that doesn't ’mark’ so much either. And then tomorrow call the gym around the corner, because maybe I should just start hanging on the machines? And maybe I can go there right away in the evening? You have to strike while the iron is hot.

23. Mm. I have a dinner appointment tomorrow that I absolutely cannot cancel. Well, then I'll go Thursday evening. Although I probably have to work then.

24. SERIOUSLY, how do all those fit girls do that? Don't they have a life? Are they really going to say: ‘no I'm not coming for drinks because I have to exercise’? Correction: ‘because I want to exercise.’ The word ‘have to’ is very demotivating.

25. Maybe I just need to implement exercise in a playful way in my life. Get on the bike more often, vacuum super actively, that kind of work. And I need a pedometer. Yes, that's the trick and so it shall be.

26. Then I need to go eat something now, because otherwise I'll collapse.