Fun & Famous
The absolute worst Trump quotes?
9 incredible things that Donald Trump actually said
Anyone following the election race in America – and even those who don't, by the way – knows that there is one subject that completely primally and uncensored throws his thoughts into the ether: über-rich Donald Trump. Let's call it ‘fair’ and not complain about the fact that his impending presidency is becoming an increasingly real option, that's another story for another time. Ta-da: humor to laugh at and cringeworthy quotes – with explanations.
‘An extremely reliable source called me to inform me that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake.’
Huh? Doesn't Obama exist? Are we looking at a hologram? Or is he actually named Max Power and has he infiltrated the White House in service of uhh... North Korea? Or is he secretly a woman? Aaargh, the suspense is killing me! (Trump has been determined since 2012 to prove that Obama was not born in the United States. So far, he has not succeeded).
‘Robert Pattinson should not take Kristen Stewart back. She cheated on him like a dog and she will do it again – just watch. He can do much better.
Cheer up Robert, no crying now, Donald is a Team Edward man (a Twilight thing: you are either for Edward (Pattinson) the vampire or for Jacob (Taylor Lautner) the werewolf. Trump is pro-bloodsuckers. And an excellent relationship psychologist, that goes without saying.
‘You know, it really doesn't matter what the media writes, as long as you have a young and beautiful girlfriend.’
And that's it, Donald. A hot chick is the best band-aid for the bleeding.
‘All the women who participated in The Apprentice (the TV show where Trump looks for someone to succeed him, known here as Trump's Heir, ed.) flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. But that was to be expected.’
Oh Donald, you sexy motherfucker, who could ever resist your erotic charm? His Royal Hotness may not be the most beautiful, but that erudite mind, that incredibly refined humor, that enchanting charm... Hold. Me. Tight. People.
‘The nice thing about me is that I am filthy rich.’
Donald is full of self-awareness. Being filthy rich is indeed a particularly nice quality, one that – unfortunately – really gets you quite far. That, and that band-aid for the bleeding from quote number 3 of course.
‘It's freezing and snowing in New York. We need global warming!’
Yes, Donald, you should really stoke all your fireplaces again and urge all your buddies to run their factories at full speed for more CO2 emissions! That will teach that damn climate! A little snow when you are not at all waiting for it!
‘If Ivanka weren't my daughter, I would probably be dating her.’
Most likely – or actually definitely – one of the creepiest things I've ever heard come out of his mouth. Creepy on so many levels.
‘My fingers are long and beautiful, just like, and this is a well-documented fact, various other parts of my body.’
And with this, I declare the asparagus season open! Or could he mean his long toes?
‘I have an exceptionally high IQ, one of the highest – and you all know that. Please don't feel dumb or insecure, you can't help it.’
And here we have a modern version of the fairy tale The Emperor's New Clothes. The emperor has it, but no one sees it. Riddle me this.
(If this post gets more than fifty likes, I'll do nine more! Click away!)
