Fun & Famous
The heavy life of Park Avenue mothers in 6 steps
In Amsterdam (in other places in our country of course too, but this is just my habitat) you can recognize them from a hundred meters away: the glamour mommies. Their child is snuggled in a brand new Bugaboo (the one from Diesel for example is very in vogue right now) or a sleek black Joolz, and together with their already far too quickly slimmed down mother with blow-dried hair, they are frolicking through the streets of Amsterdam-Zuid. A cold pressed juice for €7.50 at The Cold Pressed Juicery and then a babyccino (that’s a cappuccino but without the coffee) at Coffee Company.
Seems luxurious, but it is bitter poverty when you compare it to the mothers of Park Avenue, or the richest mothers in the world. The Dutch translation of Primates of Park Avenue has just been released, in which the author, who is an anthropologist, describes the human species that lives on the right side of Central Park and their customs. Because it is so witty, I will share the seven most striking characteristics. You won’t have to be ashamed anymore if you order an absurdly expensive drink for your child.
1. Finding an apartment is a full-time job
What am I saying; finding an apartment is a job. First, you have to audition with the selling realtor. They need to be sure that you are not a peeper who wants to look at nice houses. Actually, they only want to know one thing: what do you have to offer.
Then you have to win over your own realtor. They have a hundred richer/more important/cooler clients, so why on earth would they run for you? The magic word is an intermediary, someone who stands between you and both of your realtors.
2. Labels are of vital importance
Because everyone actually just wants to know if you can afford that ridiculously expensive apartment, it is important that you look financially strong. You wear the most expensive but oh so understated labels like Brunello Cucinelli and Loro Piana. Beautiful, but don’t be surprised if you have to shell out thirteen hundred bucks for a sweater.
3. Unless you are Really Really Rich
If you are truly rolling in wealth and so famous that everyone knows it, then you actually go extremely underdressed to a meeting with both realtors. This shows that you are so ‘hors catégorie’ and don’t need to participate in their Chanel battle. Comfortable in your baggy pants with maybe even a worn-out sneaker underneath. How wonderfully simple can life be.
4. There are actually only two bags
Save that understated Jérôme Dreyfuss for your visit to downtown New York. The Park Avenue types understand nothing of that. Here you must arrive with a resounding Chanel or a bright Hermès. It all has to exude a lot of money.
5. The hair
New York women have done hair. And nails. An appointment with a realtor is therefore unthinkable with messy hair. So you have it blow-dried and if you don’t have time for that, you brush it until it shines and make an ultra-chic ponytail. You might just get away with that.
6. Vergeet de portier niet
Suppose that you then, for about four million or so, finally found your perfect Park Avenue apartment. Close to that perfect school for your little ones and in the quiet oasis of the busiest city in the world. Then you think you have it all, but there is the doorman. And even if he says nothing or asks anything, he does expect a Christmas bonus of a dollar or 1500. Otherwise, it could very well be that your Net-a-Porter order somehow never reaches you.
