Fun & Famous
YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS IN BED
Are you excited and really in the mood for a solid round of cuddling, he suddenly whispers silly sweet nothings in your ear. From ‘may I pet your kitty’ to ‘handcarts with Henkie’: five words that immediately kill your desire.
Kitty
Honestly: ‘cunt’ is the best word for everyday use. Because you fuck a cunt, preferably not a kitty. And okay, at the doctor, the term for your private part is ‘vagina’, but certainly not in the game of love. Also strange: the synonyms ‘little wallet’ and 'purse'. It has something pinched, something stingy, while it simultaneously suggests that you can monetize this body part. That can also happen, but that's business and trade that not everyone is interested in.
Sucking
Hopelessly old-fashioned synonym for the much more common and enjoyable ‘blowjob’. Sucking is something for ladies who provide adequate help in emergencies, like the so-called blue balls problem. You can see it on a sign: ‘Sucking 5 euros’, with a sturdy blonde behind the stall who quickly and skillfully helps him out. Only for those in need, so not very sexy.
“Maybe some men think that women find a dick scary and that the personification of their penis makes the stuff a bit more accessible”
Bouncing
You bounce on the edge, each sitting at the other end of a long plank, together yet alone. Rabbits sometimes bounce, the bouncing chicken often (ooh, but that's suddenly a funny synonym for a prostitute, if it can be casual and humorous). Bouncing suggests a quick activity: three times in the air and done. Not much to it, that’s clear. Better to fuck and love, tease and please, grab and pole, mess around and roll. And how ‘pooping’ ever became synonymous with ‘making love’ is a mystery. Are the Belgians to blame, want to bet?
Henkie, Gerard junior or Jan-Willempje
Ugh, men who give their penis a pet name! And then ask if you want to give Erikje a pat on the head. #N-E-E. Why? You don't name every toe in the hope that they seem friendly enough to be touched or stroked? Maybe some men think that women find a dick scary (we do too, but more like a dick person, not the gender itself) and that the personification of their penis makes the stuff a bit more accessible – but then it seems to me that sticking googly eyes on the tip googly eyes would be many times more effective. Or maybe he was incredibly bored in front of the window and wished he was two puppies, then he could play together (Yes, Godfried Bomans – or actually Friedrich Torberg – we know what you were thinking). The diminutive ending behind the word is also telling: Henkie is rarely or never called Don Henk or Godfather Henk, but is almost always referred to with the ending -ie or the addition ‘junior’. LOL. Not. Anymore.
PULLING
Pulling; say, it's not a cardboard display that needs to be destroyed. Pulling is uncontrolled, uninterested, and sometimes a bit obstinate shaking, pulling, and pushing where only the end result counts: liberation. Just like with handcarts. Oh. That's what it's about, right, gentlemen? Anyway, pulling detracts from the journey there, which can certainly be a bit virtuoso and performed with flair.
