VERY ABSURSE THINGS THAT WE ALL THINK AT ONCE

(but don't...)

My thoughts are sometimes completely insane. Completely absurd. During the meeting, I suddenly picture myself punching that colleague in the face, throwing a chair or making out with a complete stranger outside in the street. What's wrong with me?

The thing is: I am not the only one. In fact, 90 per cent of Dutch people regularly have thoughts that might make you think: SEE-YOU-WELL-I WOULD BE-GEK, but fortunately, so it seems to be quite normal. The whole phenomenon even has a name: intrusion. An intrusion is a thought that just pops into your head that can be quite bizarre. The thought is often about something that would be totally undesirable or that you would never actually do.

I remember my first intrusion very well; I held my half-brother in my hands for the first time. Two big cute eyes looked at me, a mini fist held my little finger. I melted, and a second later I suddenly pictured me dropping him on purpose and his little head hitting the hard ground. I was scared out of my wits and very quickly handed the baby back to my father. After that, the weird thoughts never really went away. And then you sometimes think: does everyone have this? Or am I the only one? But no, that is of course a taboo. You don't talk about that, because god, you'd be crazy. I would say: do it sometime. You'd be surprised how many people say they recognise it completely.

‘Help, why am I thinking these retarded things?’

I had a very unpleasant one this week. I was standing next to someone who in my opinion was standing just a bit too close to the line of the platform and suddenly I imagined how I would push that person when the train was coming. Like: HA, own fault, crazy. You shouldn't have stood so close to that edge. The psychopath in me was caught off guard two seconds later by a thought like ‘what the fuck am I thinking? Weirdo. And now act normal real quick.’ An intrusion of a dark nature can quite upset you, but according to many psychologists, it is nothing to worry about. It is actually a kind of warning from your brain, a kind of so-hear-you-didn't-be-bored feeling. Just in case you forgot for a moment that it's not normal to push someone in front of a train, lol, or drop a baby on purpose or make out with a complete stranger. Just so you know. Hilarious things, those brains.

People with a big imagination often seem to suffer more from intrusions. I actually no longer see it as an unpleasant thing. In fact, I often have very laughable intrusions too. That I suddenly take off my clothes and run around here in my bare bottom on the Amayzine editorial board (no colleagues, I won't do it to you) or that it's a friend's birthday and I push her head hard into the cake. At moments like that, this wacko chuckles to himself for a moment. And it's actually quite a nice warning system of your brain, because that scary intrusion with that baby actually made me extra aware of how vulnerable the little guy was and how careful you have to be when holding a newborn baby.

So, is your brain once again overenthusiastically popping spackling thoughts into your body? Are you daydreaming of the moment you suddenly rigorously flip the wheel in the car? And then wonder how crowded your funeral will be? THE HORROR, WHAT IF NO ONE COMES? Laugh about it and think: and this is so not what you want.

Oh, and for the fans and Hannibal Lecters among us: these are the most common intrusions:

- Thoughts about having sex with people you absolutely don't want to. For example, your father-in-law. Eww.

- Hurting children or animals. And of course not wanting it at all, but seeing it happen in a split second in your head.

- On the motorway in front of you, watching you suddenly turn the wheel or brake hard.

- Standing on the track and wanting to push someone in front of the train or jump yourself.

- Seeing a tall flat and thinking: what if I jump off?

- The crazy thought that somewhere deep down inside you might be a criminal or murderer.

- The idea of doing something really weird somewhere in a public place (undressing, screaming and attracting the attention of everyone on the street in a negative way). Hey, would streakers have often had these thoughts, I think to myself now....

- While cutting vegetables, suddenly seeing in front of you how you cut off your fingertip, stab someone or do something to yourself (yes, this sounds very intense, but actually it's just a signal like: be careful, this knife is sharp, be careful).

- During a conversation, suddenly wanting to scold or hit your interlocutor.

- Being afraid of suddenly throwing up on the train. And then feeling the sense of shame and panic if that actually happened.

- The thought of walking into a shop and suddenly thinking: what if I steal this?

- The thought of suddenly wanting to shout something with ‘BOM’ very loudly at the airport.
And again: you are not suddenly ripe for the asylum if you have ever thought the above things. You're just immensely empathetic and very creative. Nice geek of me.

So, and now here I am going to shock the editors in my bare arse.