DETOX UPDATE

When our Theo storms into the editorial office armed with KitKats, I seek cover under the desk. Actually, I don't find those glued-together chocolate bars satisfying at all, but because I have a ban on them, they suddenly become appealing. Don't think of a pink elephant or a no-five-year-old-Adeline-you-can't-touch-that kind of story. I shop online every evening, to dump everything from my cart five minutes before bedtime and then panic the next morning just not to order it.

Yes, it's suspiciously quiet around my detox, isn't it? I have my reasons for that. I would stop everything. Smoking, eating and spending money, or at least pretend to be very financially responsible, and I would start exercising. Let's just say I'm sitting at a score of about sixty percent. I think that's quite decent considering what I banned (right, that's something only someone who is failing would say). With my pants down, I'll show you. The detox scoreboard looks something like this...

25% stopped eating
20% focus on my finances
15% the wallet closed

Yes, the observant reader sees that some points are missing here. The exercising hasn't really taken off yet, just like throwing that pack of Marlboro Lights out the window. But further, I'm hammering away on the (suffering) path. I've only caved once (since Paris) for a terrace, and I did stay there for five hours (don't tell anyone). I've only ordered a denim jacket from Bijenkorf and paid with gift cards (which I got for my birthday, the things were burning a hole in my pocket). And I have an accountant, boys and girls, a real-life accountant made of flesh and blood. From now on, everything will be fine. I will become a well-considered person. I still need to get the entire previous financial year sorted out in one evening, but hey... Sometimes you have to see things positively. On the eating front, it's also going for the wind. Colleague Daan said it seemed like my belly was flatter. Look, then you're halfway there. But I eat lettuce leaves and carrots like rabbits. Soup is my middle name and celery is my party. Yes, the jeans zip up a lot more confidently now.

Conclusion of my careful balance? That detox is really stuttering. I feel guilty twenty-four seven because I'm actually smuggling a light variant. I'm a klutz who is fooling myself, but from now on, I'll make sure you're proud of me. Mark my words, in the next update, you'll read about a different person. Really, no jokes.