If you always get sad around New Year's Eve

(please tell me there are more New Year's Eve weirdos who feel this way)

Let me start by saying that I sometimes find myself a very peculiar being. Especially around the turn of the year. While I get quite cozy from Sinterklaas and Christmas, something goes wrong New Year's Totally in the head. I just really think it's a crappy holiday. There, that's out. Every year I manage to not know how the evening will go until a few days beforehand. And when I finally end up at a house party and everyone around me is already completely drunk by 11:00 PM, I start to wonder why we do this.

I don't want to complain, but I just HAVE to know... Are there other humanoids who get a bit of a weird feeling from New Year's Eve? A kind of indefinable, unheimlich, feeling lost and feeling blue feeling? While everyone around me is going wild over the stuffed eggs, Linda de Mol, New Year's games, and sparklers, I always float around the room a bit sheepishly. Yes, coucou, I know. I still think I was severely abused in a past life to the tune of ‘Happy New Year’ by ABBA. As a child, I would scream and cling to my mother's leg as if I would die when the new year started. The countdown from 10 to 1 would mean that the whole world would be destroyed in some sort of The Day After Tomorrow way. With cows flying through the air and bowls oliebollen. Didn't everyone know that?

The post-midnight moment including the drunken smooching here and there is often the worst. Usually, I stand in a sort of trance watching the fireworks, annoyed by the smell of gunpowder. By the air and ground getting dirty. Wondering how many pets are Very Scared at that moment. Or if there will be many people who could have worn fireworks glasses tonight. People, what IS this depressing mess? Why do I always feel a kind of strange fear of ‘what's to come’ in the new year? As if 2017 was a joke compared to the crap that is going to come in 2018.

Is it end-of-year stress? Is it the social obligation? Is it a signal in the brain that I'm not getting everything out of life and have wasted another year? Is it FOMO because everyone around me seems to be at a sparkling party? Did I almost choke on an oliebol as a baby? I do have quite a cozy life, full of highlights, love, beautiful moments, coziness, and craziness? Why. Do. I. Act. Like. This. During. The. Countdown?! Short circuit.

If you want to chat about New Year's Eve craziness or happen to have studied psychology and know what this ridiculous feeling is: help a girl out and email kiki@amayzine.com, because I'm really curious how it can be that the head sometimes sends such mixed signals. Because I don’t have a effing clue.

Anyway, that said, I'm going to get drunk again at the house party tomorrow and stuff myself with apple beignets. The only thing about New Year's Eve that I'm really going to enjoy.