Love & Sex

If you suddenly start having sex with a rubber

Hey Mister Rubber, good old friend of mine. Wow, that was about ten years ago, right? How are you? Are you still such a mood killer or have you found a trick for that?

A month ago I started something hip. It's called going off the pill. Not necessarily because I wanted to be hip, but mainly because I was getting mega mood swings from that hormone monster strip. So it was time to toss that thing aside and switch to condoms. Also planning to let everything happen naturally again? This is what you can expect:

  1. Those latex seed bags are totally not in your system at first. In fact, you probably forget to buy them, which means one night you have EFFING cravings for a pot of Duracell bunnies and you realize just before the act that it’s not possible at all. #FuckYourLife
  2. You thought you were an adult. Really. Until the moment your boyfriend asks if you can go buy condoms and you, like a little giggling teenager, say you’ll order them online.
  3. You suddenly start wondering how many condoms are ordered online worldwide each day. Probably more than are bought in stores. Bunch of hypocrites.
  4. Then you have no idea what size/flavor/scent you should actually order. Jesus Christ, since when is that latex market so overrepresented?
  5. You eventually just choose a common standard size that says ‘extra thin for the ultimate feeling’. Sounds pretty good.
  6. You hesitate to order a pack of ‘extra small’ condoms to tease your boy.
  7. While writing this piece, you suddenly wonder if you’ve offended people who buy XS condoms for their little penis. Hey there, thimble, you can be here too, you know?
  8. Okay, so you have those things at home, but of course, you’re not condom-pro enough to realize it’s super handy to keep those things somewhere near your bed. In a nightstand or something. No, only the diehard rubber enthusiasts think of that.
  9. Which means you have to say to your love late at night in a totally catty mood: ’Uh, babe. They’re downstairs. I’ll be right back, okay?‘
  10. And when you crawl back up the stairs half-naked in the pitch dark and feel cold, your mood is already half gone. The tipi under your boyfriend's blanket has also become a little less tipi.
  11. Then you genuinely wonder how it all works again. Something about holding a tip, right? And then just rolling it on? Ah, right, yes.
  12. You feel a bit of genuine sympathy for the genitals of your bed partner that you’re staring at like a trapped anaconda.
  13. Okay, no time for sympathy for penises right now, Jesus.
  14. You suddenly wonder what to do if the condom tears. Does that actually happen often?
  15. Do you know how many steps you’re already further in your head before you even have sex with a condom? It’s almost impressive.
  16. Okay, fuck it, no whining, time to bring out your inner tiger. With rain jacket, here we go, LET’S GOOO.
  17. Yeah, you do feel a bit of a difference, but in your mind, it was more annoying. Maybe also just install some lubricant on that nightstand.
  18. Afterwards, you suddenly realize what the biggest advantage of having sex with a condom is. No sperm mess in your… MOEHAAAAAA.