Kiki's Expedition Robinson Babble
(week 12)
Hey my island crazies. Am I the only one who still needs to recover a bit after the intense death blow from Imke last week? last week Roeland's Houdini act was quite something again. Team Tukker is no more. Everything is over. My condolences go out to Mi Boy Carlos. And Danny's arm, because that has also officially passed away. Until three seconds ago, I really thought that was German. Anyway: we have now reached day 24. Those coconut gnawers have been on that island for almost a month now. Yes Herold, old cockroach. You too, buddy. And Soundos also seems to be out of the danger zone. This week's episode was a lot tamer than before. No grand sewing actions, Jerry Springer scenes, and stabbing sessions from Fernando the termite crab, but a calm island council and an injury that everyone (eventually) seemed to understand. Yawn. Then let's bring a little excitement into the tent ourselves. It's time to babble again.
I watched episode 12 of experienced Expedition Robinson yesterday and this is what I thought:
1. I thought I had my life in order. Really. Until I saw that chilling salamander on that stick. Now I'm doubting.
2. Roeland as our own Piet Paulusma: “Niels is like the weather. It’s there and you always have to deal with it. Either it’s too hot or it’s too cold.” Brilliant. By the way, I think Roelie is looking more and more psychopathic every week and showing more snake-like behavior. Can we go back to the beginning when he was still a funny/absent-minded nerd?
3. Kaj has the masterful gift of saying in one sentence what all of the Netherlands thinks. “Totally a survivor and Robinson, that Niels, but he is of course a bit of a weirdo.” We. Love. Kaj.
4. What? Niels can’t ‘bring himself’ to have breakfast with the group anymore? Joking aside, Mr. Gomperts, I think it’s time for you to get tested for a few things. Multiple things.
5. Jesus people, what a challenge again. I spontaneously get flashbacks to the casting weekend (yes, I seriously participated, just read this). Obstacle course, flexibility, endurance, speed, balance; pretty much everything Herold is good enough at to become the eternal second.
6. So that Froger (you know, that guy who first seemed to be an extra, but is now suddenly becoming full-on Don Juan on that island) is starting to say really funny things. Hey Danny, how's your arm? “As long as we don’t have to do a doping test, everything is fine.” Laughing out loud.
7. Uh, for everyone who wants to spend 22.50 euros on a visit to the Apenheul: just don’t. IS. THAT. NIELS. IN. HIS. PREVIOUS. LIFE. A. SLINGING. MONKEY. WHAT. THE. FAK. Let’s give a round of applause for his moves on those monkey bars.
8. So Danny thought: you know what? I actually really miss those Big Macs. Fuck it, I’m going to hang on that painful arm for a bit.
9. Tell me. Tell me that you also had to laugh at the silly music when grandma Soundos was filling her green tube. We all agree that this woman is actually brilliant, right? Act like an imbecile during the challenge every week and no one sees you as a threat. Next week she’ll just run in a completely different direction during the challenge.
10. Poor Herold. The knucklehead of Robinson misses again just next to the pot and Mistah Robinson has of course immediately figured out that shitty puzzle of that fish. But Niels, come on, that oeloeloeloe call at the end wasn’t necessary, you know. Really not. Thanks.
11. Carlos hearing that Imke is out is for me equal to the death of Mufasa in The Lion King. What a misery. His voice almost cracked. “Why would you give away all your votes for one f*cking player?! What kind of sick mind are you?” Well, Carlito is angry because everyone has betrayed Imke, except him.
12. Louis van Gaal logic from Herold: “If you perform well, and someone else performs better… Then you come second.” NO SHIT!
13. Front page news in the Robinson newspaper: Scrooge McDuck shares his food once. Why do I get a poop and fart NU.nl push notification about this and it’s not mentioned? And is that crazy guy seriously UP IN THAT PALM TREE? Is it just me or have we never seen anything like this in Robinson history?!
14. Okay, one more time about that filthy, red scarf. The first thing Niels grabs when he wakes up. Have you all noticed that thing is even tied during his confession sessions in the wicker hut? It’s like his cuddle toy. Or Mr. was also a toreador in his previous life besides being a slinging monkey.
15. I can’t remember ever wanting chicken this much in my life. Pepper on it, a bit of salt, skin nice and crispy… And that poor Kaj is really in trouble. “Is it uh, tasty?”
16. Look guys, I felt you immensely during that chicken orgasm. But there came a point where even I thought it was too much. Maybe it was when Niels said: “Nothing goes to waste with this chicken” and suddenly starts cracking that bone and sucking the marrow out of it. WHAT THE FAK DUDE.
17. It’s clear that Danny is officially ready for take-off: “Come fly with me, over land over sea.” Yeah yeah dude, we’re already voting you out. It’ll be fine.
18. Here it comes: it’s huge, sweaty, and even more oiled than Kim Kardashian’s butt in the infamous champagne-on-butt photo.
Answer: Nicolette's decor during the island council. What’s up with that?
19. Oh and, what are we giving away this week on my Instagram account @kikiduren (follow me, it’s fun man) ? The I. SUCK. MARROW. T-shirt sponsored by Niels, a night of craziness with Kaj, and a kilo of ossenworst from Danny’s Butcher Shop. I’m telling you: you want this.
Final conclusion? Hmm. This week was quite tame. The atmosphere in the group is good “despite the fact that we sometimes want to push each other’s faces into a blender,” according to Roeland. Speaking of which: next week it’s Shelly’s face that’s up. Heart at the bottom of this article if your inner drama queen can’t wait for this fight. And already hoping that little lioness will kick some serious ass.
P.S.: If you caught Eilandpraat afterwards, you must have been just as shocked as I was. Condolences Dave, because I ASSUME your stylist has kicked the bucket. We all want to know where your bloessie is from, and especially what time it goes out.
P.P.S.: As if fate played a role, I was still in bed this week with eliminated Danny Froger. To chat about the Expedition, have a pillow fight, and (yes, help) sing together. If you find that fun, check the video here back. Sorry in advance for raping this Marco Borsato classic.
