KIKI’S EXPEDITIE ROBINSON GEBRABBEL
(week 4)
Good morning, dear Ex Robbers. And, do we have a bit of Soundorst? Well, let's just rip off the painful plaster right away. Makers, eternal lobi and a deep bow to you, but we MUST talk about the Soundosering of this program. Totally inhumane.
Yes, this woman knows better than anyone how to make television, and yes, I quite like roughness and a touch of narcissism. I understand that you wanted her – especially after seeing Who is the Mole?– included. But this? This is dangerous for the reputation of the best woman herself. Inhumane. Soundos is becoming the village fool of Expeditie Robinson with more airtime on Thursday night than Humberto Tan. Do we want MORE or LESS psychotic goose? I would say: open Twitter for a moment and the Netherlands has spoken. If you are compared in terms of irritation factor to the Kruidvat voice, then something is not right, girlfriend. Yep, judging by the tweets, Soundos has the likability of a root canal treatment.
On the other hand, I also think: without that crazy Mocro flavor, we are really dealing with Expeditie Boringson this season. That chick at least brings some excitement to the tent. And come on, being bullied à la schoolyard level is not cool for anyone. Plus: this way we have something to talk about on Twitter, because think away the tweets about Soundos and there is very little left. Just give some extra airtime of Soundos to the bacon-and-beans island of the unknowns and everyone is happy. We can finally see Carlos, Herald, Imke, and Marlé in action. It's all just a bit too peaceful over there on that island.
Anyway, the episode in a nutshell? Half of Camp North is diarrhea-ing in the bushes, Nicole is emerging as the new mother goose, during the challenge where a bucket of water needs to be filled, the losers' fair of Camp South finally wins (thanks to Roeland, who turns out to be the Mole and throws his bamboo stick as far away from him as possible three times). Team Ajax of Richard, cornrow-headed Joëlle, and Anouk kick Nicole out, who takes it quite sportingly, and the predictable hustle hustle in tha house is finally announced. PARTY. Well, on to The Real Deal then? Time to babble.
1. Start with the best quote for the drama factor: ‘There is an Arabic saying that goes as follows: You would rather have a fight with an army of men than with one woman. And believe me: I am that woman.’ Soundos, I believe you immediately.
2. Because, am I the only one who had nightmares last night from the psychopathic explanation of the horror fairy tale ‘Soundos & the Backstabber with the Big Sword?’ Sounds like a pretty, pretty knight's tale by the way.
3. Yes god, I have to talk about Kaj again. Can someone give this man a sticker + award + breast print in his face for all the brilliant quotes so far? ‘Every woman needs a beast in the mosquito net.’ #JijMagOnsBeestZijnGozer. No problem at all.
4. Oh, and for those interested: I have started an illegal Kaj tear-off calendar merchandise. 4.95 euros each. Email me.
5. Applause for the bitch fight of the evening, which went something like this:
Marieke: ‘She’s going to poison us.’
Shelly: ‘Or spit in the sandwich, haha.’
Soundos: ‘If I spit in your sandwich, you’ll wake up tomorrow with talent.’
Marieke: ‘At least it’s not due to your self-confidence.’
Kiki from the couch: ‘JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!’
6. The moment you realize that The Island of the Unknowns has a more stable drying rack than you do at home…
7. Mindfuck of Camp Unknown: being dropped on an island without a sleeping place, phone, food, and communication with the outside world? No problem. Not going crazy from boredom? HARD HARD.
8. May the odds be ever in your favour, Carolina. The surprising winner of the Hunger Games, but does she have to add such a pretentious: ‘I just win against THESE PEOPLE’ at the end? Can someone cut her attitude down a bit?
Although that ‘those BN’ers could also use some’ from Camp Unknown is also quite annoying.
9. Who else is terribly annoyed by Niels? Or as it is beautifully said on social media: ‘Niels and Mother Goose. Didn’t Niels fly on a goose to the sun? I would say: what are they waiting for?’ Let him take that horrible scarf with him right away. Laaaaaterz.
10. WHY DON’T THEY KILL THE CRAB FIRST BEFORE IT GETS THROWN IN THE PAN?! Or why don’t they throw it in boiling water instead of slowly warming the water with the crab in it? Bunch of pudding dicks.
11. If I hear the word collective one more time today, I’m going to start hitting around.
12. You vote for someone, that person has to go, and then you start crying, come on. Well, space cadet Nicole, with Joëlle as ‘daughter’, I would rather live childless. Disinherit that thing immediately.
13. It also needs to be said: I can laugh harder with an average houseplant than with Richard. What a dry soup stick. The whole grain variant, huh.
14. Wow, I almost forgot Danny Froger. By the way, we are COLLECTIVELY (hit, hit, hit!) wondering how this guy speaks such flat Amsterdam. That boy has lived his whole life in ‘t Gooi…
15. Look a little longer at little water rose Roeland and you’ll crack up. That guy is a caricature of himself. Those nervous tics, that Aad Bilnaad, the forty times up and down with those glasses, those surprised actor eyes… Roelie crazy, you know what you need? A solid turn. I heard Kaj and Danny still had some cassava lying around somewhere...
16. Am I the only one who is a little bit wondering why Camp South is trying so hard while they don’t necessarily have to win? Ah, because we are making television of course. So Roeland must let his stick fall this time from the production. And Soundos must win and scream like a piglet. All’s well that ends well, because coincidentally at that moment there’s a shuffle of the camps. Oh yes, television. I almost forgot.
17. Five collectively inhumane things we are still wondering about Soundos on Twitter:
1. Would SOUNDOS OUT text messages to 3312 still work? You know, if necessary, that Arend can come back.
2. Have her fellow islanders actually been offered victim support after the recordings?
3. Is it technically possible that she gets eliminated next week by her own facade?
4. How will her orgasm sound?
5. Couldn’t she have hustled a better sports bra anyway? (Soundos el ahmadienie-buygoodbikini).
6. How many Mocro buddies did she send to Marieke Elsinga’s house last night?
7. Should we name the next hurricane Soundos?
8. What do you think of the idea #SoundOFF?
9. Where is Bertie when you need her?
18. Next week? Soundos waves the scepter in new Camp Terror, Nicole starts a meditation course at Camp Unknown, and Henkie Poort destroys flora and fauna on the island of the Philippines with shit. Until then, huh?
P.S: Just testing how big that Ex Rob fanbase actually is, heart here at the bottom if you’re going to watch again. See ya next week!
P.P.S: Not finished babbling yet? Then click here for week 1, week 2 and week 3.
