Kiki's Expedition Robinson babble
Week 1
So, you thought you were rid of me? (Here’s room for a booming laugh, you know, one of those really ugly snorts.) TerrorKiek is back in town after a little summer break and more than ready to stir things up with some annoying ramblings about our favorite show.
Coconut cutie, where to begin. For those who missed it last season: hi, from now on we’re going to enjoy together experienced Expedition Robinson. Everything I think, I write down. So for the next fifteen weeks, we’re together, friend, you and me. It’s going to be a tough delivery, but believe me: it’s worth the ride. Swearing, vomiting, raging, laughing, plotting, taste tests, crying, mumbling in the jungle; we’re going to experience it all together. If you haven’t checked out the video where I interview this year’s candidates yet, do that now here. And further, well, I think you think what I think. It’s time for the episode in points again. God, I’ve missed it. But shall we kick off with an extra extensive one? Here it comes.
1. Ha, here come the four non-celebrities paddling in on a raft. Herald, Imke, Marlé, and my muscular friend Carlos. Who I immediately promoted to the new Mi Boy Dave. Well, someone has to be it. Are you handling the jacuzzi, Carlos?
2. The joke of the century by the way. You think you’re just Lil’ Kleine chilling on an island, and you get dropped on another island. With the name ‘Island of the Unknowns’ #Jánken #DitStondNietInOnsContract.
3. That ‘Island of the Unknowns’ is located somewhere between Hengelo and Enschede by the way. Hey subtitles, how’s it going, darling?
4. Anddd, we’re already moving on to the commercials. But wait. WHAT? WHERE IS THE FUCKING COMMERCIAL BIRD? Mister Arend? Joe? Earth to Mister Arend? Where you at?
5. Fuck it, I’m not going to be hypocritical. Mister was already cast for this season, but I was so done with that shit beast that I went to the Philippines on my own initiative (okay, okay, Brace wanted to come too, I didn’t make a fuss about it). We had him in four minutes. #Burp.
6. Well, karma is a B… WELCOME, OWL! Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for two more episodes before we start complaining en masse, okay? No. Takes too long. WHAT A GRAVEYARD OWL.
7. After ten minutes of watching, you already realize that this is just going to be that standard ‘introduction’ episode again. No challenge, no elimination. Yawn. But okay, Shelly standing up during Nicolette’s presentation text and saying very dryly: ‘I need to vomit’, followed by a burp flying into the sea makes it a bit better.
8. #ExpeditionRobinson in four topics on Twitter? 1: Owl. 2: Vomiting. 3: Who are those famous Dutch people? And 4: in the 8 minutes of commercials, you can apparently walk your dog.
9. So, the teams are known. May I introduce to you…
Camp ‘Rembo Terror’ South (and okay – Shelly)
Kaj Gorgels (something with characters on YouTube. Nice follow-up, dude)
Lil’ Kleine (something with drinks and drugs)
Danny Froger (something with a father, yes)
Soundos el Ahmadi (something with telling jokes)
Brace (something with Leipe Mocro Flavour and TVOH)
Marieke Elsinga (Something with RTL Late Night and now Boulevard)
Shelly Sterk (something with BNN and Galileo stuff)
Camp ‘Hutjekutje’ North:
Roeland Fernhout (something with Phileine Says Sorry)
Niels Gomperts (something with Penoza)
Henk Poort (something with Paul Potts-like opera scenes)
Anouk Hoogendijk (something with Ajax and kicking balls)
Nicole Buch (something with Buch in the Bajes)
Joëlle & Richard Witschge (something with incest in Expedition Robinson)
Camp ‘You’re totally fucked’:
Carolina Dijkhuizen (something with The Lion King. AAAAAAAH-ZIEBENJAAAA… BABANIETSJIEWAJAA) Also unfortunate: you fly all the way to the other side of the world for a round of jungle musical chairs, and you’re the one without a chair. That sucks, babe.
Camp Hengelo
Herald, Imke, Marlé, and my boy Carlos. Hey makers: East and West have filed a complaint by the way, they also want to have a camp.
10. Am I the only one wondering if it’s not really weird that father and daughter are on the same team? That Anouk has it all figured out well, with her starting three-pack.
11. HAHA, my god. Anouk and Richard who don’t want to be on the same team as Jorik and ‘very nonchalantly’ walk to the other side. Cowardly.
12. We have to talk about the titties of Brace. Don’t pretend you haven’t looked at them. Yes, you did. (And, if we want to see someone get eliminated on that island, it’s a singer with the last name MacDonald, HAHA. I can totally picture that guy going WILD during the merging dinner. That owl is going to go there.)
13. It’s sometimes so easy, right? Put a gay guy with a durian fruit in the jungle and you have top television. ‘That’s a durian! That’s SO delicious! FANTASTIC!! Ah, how AMAZING!!’ I. Am. Now. Already. Cracking. Up. Over Roeland.
14. So that Niels thought: you know what? If they come to film me at home for the introduction round and the first impression, I’ll take my pink circus creepy bike out of the shed and ride a few laps. That’ll make an impression. FOR SURE.
15. Seriously man, that’s your worst nightmare. That someone rides into your bedroom at night on such a creepy bike and pulls you into the darkness. Oh look, but mister also eats ants as if they’re Venz sprinkles. No aah, that explains a lot.
16. Farmer Bertie’s modest abode last year? A five-star hotel with windows. The sleeping place of camp South? Loserville squared. Who misses be Bertie. and (Va)JayJay already?
17. Just a prediction for next week then? Here it comes. Brace gets a little bra offered by the producers, Lil‘ Kleine gets into a big fight with a palm tree because he earns more. Oh and, Soundos is going to ruin lives. Oh dear, I just love this show… Later, peepz!
