Kiki's Expedition Robinson babble
Week 3
Mother Goose Soundos is ritually slaughtered, Bokito Brace nearly bites the dust and Roeland and Niels have a morning bitch fight. Watch. Juicy. This is what we want, people. Patience pays off!
Alright, first things first. Good morning Ex Robbesnobbers. Last night I was suddenly surrounded on Instagram by a number of diehard fans. Dozens of disturbing pings and dings in my DMs. Whether I was going to watch it after all, now that I'm in Portugal the foreign country. That you can't watch RTL XL abroad at all?! How I did that? -threatening a lot of people- Would I leave you all behind? Kutjekokos, I wouldn't dare. Yes, my new curse word is kutjekokos. Sounds delightful. Just say it three times loudly. So, eh, without digressions, you should know: your Kiekster is an editor with an excessive urge to discover new places. And it babbles quite nicely from abroad. Places where Brace can't visit me with his Bokito gang when I start talking about his little tits and stuff. Think of it as tactical hiding.
No okay, joke. I'm celebrating an eight-year anniversary with my boy in Portugal, but he also knows: the babbles have to be shot out like morning farts on Friday. Otherwise, the day isn't complete. So here I am. Friday morning 6:00 AM sitting upright in bed. With a sleepy head that looks like a Sharpei. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about: those are those Chinese breed dogs with as many wrinkles as a 92-year-old man. I'll spare you the photos. What this Sharpei won't spare you are the babbles. Veeeeeeeerse fish guys, 19 points clean on the hook.
1. First of all: the award for the funniest man of the evening goes to Kaj. Because if after 24 hours of pouring rain you can still say things like: ‘It's as wet here as a lifeguard’ without blinking, you're a hero. ‘Ah come on, we'll just keep going. It's not like you have to go to work in fifteen minutes.’ Or HAHAHA ‘SHELLY THE SLUTTY NEIGHBORHOOD COP’. Hero.
2. The challenge this week was easy as fuck: you're tied to your grumpy, hungry fellow contestants, jump into the water, swim three kilometers, go under bamboo beams, then make a step with sticks, dig up an entire Egyptian family grave and crawl under some new bamboo beams (you're still tied together), then climb over a wall together and open a gate with a puzzle lock to plant your flag at the finish. Okeeeee Brace, I get your kamikaze action buddy, I would also jump off that gate out of misery.
3. No, just a bit more about Brace. That he tore his Achilles tendon and was out of the game was the worst thing that could happen. First Lil’ Kleine, now this. Brace, mi rowsu. I already miss your yellow condom hat. And the best television moment of the year is also ruined: our Surinamese boy at the merging dinner. Misery.
4. Okay, forget point 1, this was much funnier:
Marieke: ‘If you lay those sticks crosswise now...’,'11':'Brace: 'WHAT IS CROSSWISE?! I AM A BLACK MAN.'
Brace: ‘WAT IS KRUISLINGS?! IK BEN EEN NEGER.’
Kiki: Laughing out loud.
5. ‘You are a thin twig. I a healthy chubby. I really love you guys, but I'm not eating that shit.’ – Brace on hunger strike.
6. So I get scared again. I get scared AGAIN by that creepy owl.
7. Awh, didn't you all just want to hug Marieke really tightly for a moment? Like a lesbian tit-to-tit hug? A big middle finger to everyone who found her annoying at RTL Late Night; I just love her.
8. Meanwhile at camp ‘unknown’...
CaroDiva is being devoured and there's no manager around to help. Aiii.
9. Makers, isn't it time we take the unknowns out of team Spek and Bonen? One commercial break honestly lasts longer than we see those people. Don't forget Herald, Marlé, Imke and my boy Carlos over there on that island?
10. Three months later in the headlines:
NOS: ‘Unknown Dutch people‘ Expedition Robinson left for dead on island’
NU.nl: ‘Four Expedition Robinson participants found dead in Malaysia’
Volkskrant: ‘Production company Expedition Robinson makes big mistake by letting ‘forgotten’ participants starve’
Telegraaf: ‘Manager rescues Carolina Dijkhuizen by helicopter from Expedition Robinson island’
11. Okay, I'm no kitchen princess, that should be clear. But dear wife of Richard, could you please send your man VERY quickly to a Jip & Janneke baby cooking course when he gets home? Meine gute, my feminist heart is going to cry from this mess.
12. Just a tip for all the people who miss our Bertie and Jayjay by the way. On RTL XL there is now Bertie and Jayjay: Expedition Televizier, where our favorite farmer tries on dresses for the Televizier-Ring Gala and it's HILARIOUS. Bertie in such a dress. Love it.
13. Soundos Soundos. I was really enjoying your chick, really. But it must be said: you're digging your own grave. ‘I like you guys too, but just less.’ In the category of not smart, this was eh, very dumb.
14. So I thought I was going to sign up for Expedition Robinson while I have exactly the same panic panic attacks as Soundos? HA-HA-HA.
15. Funniest tweet of the week: ‘Soundos is claustrophobic and has a fear of heights. There are also rumors of a sun allergy and a rice intolerance...’,'32':'16. No okay, we all agree: participating in Expedition Robinson with claustrophobia and panic attacks is the same as wanting to be monogamous and participating in','33':'. That doesn't work.’
16. Nee oké, we zijn het er allemaal over eens: meedoen aan Expeditie Robinson met claustrofobie en paniekaanvallen is hetzelfde als monogaam willen zijn en meedoen aan Temptation Island. Dat werkt dus niet.
17. By the way, I still find it brilliant that she keeps fighting until the end. ‘You eat me? I'm going to eat YOU, friend. And believe me: I AM HUNGRY.’ I'm sorry, mother turkey (think of a hysterical turkey sound), but Thanksgiving has come, I'm afraid. They're going to stuff your ass full of stuffing and devour you. A painful demise.
18. WHUT, Brace is back. Oh, but Brace is leaving again. And Soundos is leaving. Huh, what? Soundos gets to stay. Eh, Soundos wants to leave on her own because that knife in the back isn't so nice. Brace forces Soundos to stay. PANIC – Soundos stays. Bitter and all. ‘Yeah sorry, Van Boeienstijn.’ Oh boy boy, this is going to be something.
19. Next week: Brace fakes injury for the opening of a new chicken restaurant in Amsterdam, Roeland opens a sea urchin haute cuisine pop-up store and Soundos strangles Kaj in the bushes while searching for cassava. I'm telling you: it's going to be delicious.
