Survival guide for when you get to go wedding dress hunting

Or if I wanted to go dress shopping for a wedding. Are you freakin’ kidding me? YES, YES, YES. Tell me what time and where, and I'll drive the car over and bring the checklist and scorecards. I don't have a wedding itch myself yet, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a nice white dress. But there are things, big things, that you do and don't do at such a fitting appointment. And read carefully, because these are tips from the brides themselves.

Zip that lip

Give the bride a minute to announce what she thinks of the dress herself. Yes, you're there because she wants your opinion, but give her a moment. And remember well: the louder you scream that it’s beautiful, the less she believes you. If you're silent from her stunningness, then it’s a winner.

Hers, not yours

Don't relate the dress to yourself. Adopt in your mind her brain, her style, her wedding, her complexion, what the hell… her man and apply this to that cloud of a dress. Really, no one wants to hear that you wouldn’t wear it. But especially don’t say: ‘Oooh, that’s really something for you.“ That’s just disguised language for never ever would I wear something like that.

Hour over

If you're going on ‘the hunt’, then set aside a day for it. You thought this could be done in an hour, huh? No, just no. The corset of the first dress already takes about twenty-four minutes to adjust, then you start with the ooooh-ing and aaaah-ing and that gets timed with champagne. Make sure you take a whole (mid)day off and turn it into one big celebration. Go out to eat, celebrate life, celebrate the dress. The dress is not just a little thing, but the most important (okay okay, after the vow). It’s an honor that she wants you there.

Lower regions

Don't let yourself be blinded by the bling on top, but scan critically from top to bottom. I once went to a final fitting session for the big day. The whole shazam went on and off the body, including the cute lace shorts under the dress. But yes, they had decided that kneeling had to be practiced in that church, so that move was also rehearsed. And what do I see? A lace edge, running through the dress. I was overwhelmed with kisses when I made the bride to be aware of the issue.

And by the way this too

Is there an unflattering roll of fat hanging over the top of the bodice? Duty to report. Does it make her look fuller than she is? Say it. Do you only see the dress and no bride? Next. Does the strapless dress fit poorly at the top and are her breasts hanging in a sort of bowl, plus flaps under the armpits? Stay relentless and report it.

Is she shining?

Can you see in her eyes that this is the dress? Grab those glasses, put a veil on her head for some drama, wipe away a tear and under no circumstances let her try on another dress. Just send that sweet saleswoman and her rack away. Done.

And do you want to practice a bit more? Then ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ is now mandatory viewing, you’ll see exactly how a fitting gone wrong works in practice. Well, I’m ready, you know. When are we going?