THIS IS HOW YOU BECOME A PARISIENNE IN 5 STEPS

(yes, sorry)

The fact that we become wobbly and weak from two double G’s as a buckle of a belt and a doppio C on the lock of your Chanel bag is already a huge downside. To become a vraie Parisienne, we still have a long way to go.

Spending hours on your appearance, but in such a way that no one notices. Getting fresh air while smoking three Gauloises and pretending to have a lover to make your beloved even hungrier. Voilà French woman. Especially the kind that moves in the capital is food for anthropologists and psychologists, because seriously: how then? What are the ingredients of the ultimate Parisienne? But rest assured, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We have discovered a number of laws that bring us closer to them. Because in the end, we want only one thing, even if it’s just a hint of their elegance, class, beauty, and erudition. Bam! Here we go.

1. Understate everything

Not just your look (more on that later), but also your expressions. If you’ve seen a really good movie or your colleague has made a crazy cool commercial, say: ‘C’est pas mal.’ By responding understated, you’re always on the safe side (if the commercial turns out to be a huge flop, you’ve only labeled it as ‘not bad’) and it also implies that you’re so used to cool things that you’re not easily impressed.

Hence.

2. But not always

‘C’est génial’, or ‘C’est dement’ (pronounced: dee-mahn) can also be used very well if a concert particularly pleases you. That indeed comes from dement, yes sorry, we didn’t make it up either.

3. Share desserts

This is shocking but true: a French woman does not diet. Jamais. Simply because it’s not sexy and especially because food is way too delicious. In a BBC documentary about food, the healthiness of food in different countries was compared to the weight of the inhabitants of the country. In every country, there was a clear correlation between the cuisine and the average BMI. Except in France. The cuisine is so calorie-rich and fatty, the French woman slimmer than anyone else. The secret? Sharing desserts, taking no more than six bites of everything, no snacks, and occasionally a sturdy Gauloise. But we didn’t tell you that last part as a tip.

P.S.: You might wonder if this whole regime is a bit of a diet? A tiny little bit... We didn’t say anything.

4. Have a lover (or pretend to)

In France, it is completely accepted to have a lover. And if you don’t have one, you make one up. Anything to keep your beloved eager and hungry. How do you do that? C’est simple. Save your best friend’s number under the name of a fictitious male person. Especially don’t answer when he calls and call back later. Walk out of the room when your friend calls, under a male pseudonym, and continue the conversation in the hallway. Another good one: have a bouquet of red roses delivered. To yourself, of course. If he still doesn’t feel anything…

5. Talk politics

Or art or literature. Have an opinion about everything. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t seen the movie or visited the exhibition. Your brilliant mind doesn’t need that to form an opinion. Tip: find something different from the person you’re talking to. Just because agreeing is boring. And boring is the death of every Parisienne.

And to become a vraie Parisienne down to the finest detail, you’re now going to très quickly grab the very latest magazine from the store. There you will find another 10 essential steps. C’est pas mal, right?