Why the happiest couples often still cheat

Even if you find each other so attractive, sweet, fun, and pleasant: nothing in a relationship is certain. Infidelity is always lurking.

Because as long as there are people, people fall in love. And as long as we fall in love, we also fall in love with multiple people in our lives. That is actually the clear answer to the question of why happy people still sometimes cheat. That's how we are built and made, no matter how hard it sounds. Monogamy is not in our nature. It is in our evolution: to survive, offspring is needed. To have many offspring, many sexual partners are needed. C’est la vie.

Cheating is a widely researched phenomenon in psychology. The difficulty lies in the definition: what is really cheating? Having a ‘work-hubby‘, for example: flirting, laughing, chatting, and asking for attention at work every day? And sending flirtatious messages in the evening? And thinking of him as you fall asleep? Or is it only cheating if you are kissing that one colleague in the storage room?

There are clear differences in what men and women women think about looking outside the relationship. Check this question: ‘What would you prefer? Someone who has sex with you but thinks of another? Or someone who has sex with another but thinks of you?’ Just ask around, for fun, in your circle of friends. Men overwhelmingly choose answer one and women choose answer two. Men primarily seek physical contact and consider that cheating, while women want affection and good communication and therefore find question one ‘worse’.

Men do it slightly more often than women. Long-term studies show that 40 percent of women and 60 percent of men have had an extramarital relationship at some point. Women tend to cheat especially after their 40s. But they don't do it because they are unhappy in their relationship or because they no longer feel butterflies for their man. We all do it because it can. Because the possibility of a naughty slip-up is just one swipe away nowadays. That's why.

According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, infidelity occurs even in the best relationships in 2017. In the TED Talk ‘Why Happy Couples Cheat’, which has been viewed by millions worldwide, she explains it in detail. It doesn't necessarily have to do with your partner, it turns out, whether you are happy with him or not. No, it has more to do with yourself. In today's society, it is more important than ever that we pursue our own desires, we find. We consciously choose more than ever – every day – for our own happiness. Perel: “People don't divorce because they are unhappy, but because they want to be happier.”

In short: we have become a bit more selfish than before and it is made easier for us than ever. And unfortunately, our happiness, at home on the couch, has no influence on that. Phew, all those broken hearts that are yet to come... Suddenly being single doesn't sound so bad, does it?

FACTS

– In the Netherlands, there are about 1.6 million people who were conceived outside of marriage.
– The chance of encountering infidelity in a long-term relationship is between 40 and 75 percent.
– Single women are more likely to have an ‘affair’ with a man who is already taken than vice versa.