Amayzine

WITH JAMES BOND ON THE SOFA

“The name is Bond, James Bond.” And that every f-ing (pardon my French) weekday evening on the sofa. For a whole month now. Beloved, after all, watches RTL 007. Yes, that's what you think it is. A marathon filled with Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Sean Connery again (he was missed), Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig. In front of which we set up very cosy with a cup of coffee. And me with the Zara app, Instagram and Facebook in my hand. I can tell you: there is sneaky beheurlijk shopped on these evenings.

How can that be a gigalong month? Well, officially there are 24 Bond films. Unofficially there are 26 (including one parody), about ‘Never Say Never Again’ there has been a lot of wrangling. I'll spare you the legal hassle, but it was something with another producer. Since August has 31 days, you have an occasional day break and the rest of the time you get non-stop d'n James on screen and on your couch. Now if you're thinking: don't get upset; I'm not. Because that's 3045 minutes without me complaining. That's almost 51 hours. Or 2.11 days. Of which you also sleep 8 hours for convenience. Yes, no joke. RTL 007 is hijacking my August.

 “Aiaiai, killer attraction, that man”

It works through by the way, this Bond watching. Tina Turner suddenly reappears in my Spotify after ‘Golden Eye’. My Google consists of James-related questions, like: who is Elektra in James Bond (holy moly what a pretty woman), so that's the French Sophie Marceau. And I sat on the couch with my bottom squeezed together waiting for Famke Janssen and Daphne Deckers to walk into the picture. Although Famke is a bit sadistic to me in that role (with-the-upper-legs-the-man-wrangling-during-orgasm, I mean: scaaaaary). And potty, did you know that our Daph speaks German SO well? Pierce does that a little too American for my Dutch hearing.

Last night I spent with Brosnan, my friend was there too, no worries. But so you think things during that James marathon, this for example:

  • James is toe-curlingly (and sometimes shakingly) sexist to the nineties, man man man man. “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.” Yes, Pierce, I'm talking about you too.
  • Denise Richards (a.k.a. Christmas, that is) is perhaps the worst Bondgirl ever. Besides, who thought she should play an intelligent scientist? Clumsily cast, if you ask me.
  • Would the Bondgirl be chosen on how sighingly she can say “Ooooh, James”?
  • James Bond is a slut. Dare to claim otherwise.
  • Tina Turner still rocks big time.
  • Hey, RTL 007, what was that all of a sudden with that movie at half past 10? All our James rhythm to the balls.
  • Those intros get longer and longer and longer and longer. Then again, they are artistic.
  • Nondedju, there is at least 80 commercials in one film. At least. And also right after the first three minutes. Irritating.

By the way, my favourite James Bond is definitely Daniel Craig, even though I grew up with Pierce. I am therefore very grateful to Daniel's wife that he is still allowed to play the role of James, on condition that he does less stunt-frats himself. I understand, you do take care of a specimen like that.
Here are some more 007-facts you can bluff your lover off the sofa with tonight, is still a laugh:

  • James is called James Bond because it was the most normal name author Ian Fleming could think of.
  •  He did it with say (them) 52 women, 34 of whom tried to kill him. Aiaiai, murderously attractive, that man.
  • The next Bond film, which has the working title ‘Shatterhand’, will be shot at the sunny Croatia. See, that means Daniel Craig in swimming trunks, ladies. What. One. Party.
  • The last film ‘Spectre’ cost a mere $300 million to make. Trifle you keep.
  • James Bond quit smoking altogether in 2010. He phased it out after the turn of the century, with results. His girls still smoke, by the way.
  • Bond married only once, in ‘On Her Majesty's Secret Service’, to antagonist Diana Rigg. She is still acting, in ‘Game Of Thrones’ she plays the role of Lady Olenna Tyrell.
  • Perhaps James secretly has a teeny tiny drinking problem, as he is spotted with a Vesper Martini on average once every 11 minutes. Shaken, not stirred, of course.
  • In ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’, 15 BMWs go to pieces.
  • The sharks in that oh-so cosy pool in ‘Thunderball’ were heavily, heavily, heavily stunned. And the one that seemed to attack James (I flew against the roof) was long gone. Poor thing.