Kiki's Temptation Island VIP ramblings

O. My. LORD. The couples see each other for the first time again. A grande finale has never been so cringeworthy, hysterical, and painful at the same time. Special thanks to Stefano because man, I cried from laughing.

Okay, wait. I'm getting ahead of myself. This is the moment of truth we've been living towards for almost three months. Who has resisted the temptation and who has helped their relationship go down the drain? So many questions. Is Donny really in love with Danique? How does Amijé react to their joint tattoo? How does Stefano get out of the most dire situation EVER? Ooooh, I've never looked forward to something so much. Ready? Here we go.

1. Can someone tell me what exactly is on Zwanetta's head when she wakes up after the dream date? Is that her hair? Or one of those brushes you use to scrub your pans?

2. You can already see Stefano thinking the next morning, right? ‘Crap, what did I do.’ Poor Gelina, judging by the fireworks, that definitely went further than ‘just having a drink’. The only thing Zwaan has drunk are your man's sperm cells, I'm afraid.

3. So this is my biggest nightmare, huh. How Ruud the Exorcist behaves at night. And that he slowly creeps up my stairs at night with his naked bells and long hair... HAHAHA.

4. His comeback is really worth gold. ‘Kel, you wanted to go on a dream date, right? Then you get dreams too.’ Okay, props for that reaction.

5. Okay, the confrontation between Niels and Rosanna. I'm holding my heart, here we go.

Rosanna: ‘I haven't been drunk. I have a very good memory. I'm not stupid.’

Two seconds later: production shows footage of Rosanna saying she was drunk. Love this television.

6. Riddle: what do you get when you throw a teeth whitening kit, a flattened hedgehog, and a blob of abandonment anxiety into a blender? Hey Niels! You here too? ‘I've already possibly found someone else who could fill the void in my life.’ Says. He. This. Well. REALLY?!

7. Roos: ‘Did you kiss each other?’

Niels: ‘Yeah.. I did kiss her, yeah.’

Yolanthe: ‘And you asked her to be your girlfriend, right?’

OOOOOOOOOH YO MAMA!

8. What an answer again. ‘I actually saw no way out with Rosanna so I told her I wanted to get to know her better in the Netherlands and that I wanted to give her a good feeling about it... by saying that we have a relationship, yes.’ Wow. With boyfriends like that, you don't need exes.

9. The hardest part seems to be being Kaj and Yolanthe and sitting on that wooden stool with a serious face without straining a muscle. ‘We ultimately wish you a lot of love. Whether that's with Alex, Fabiola, or ultimately each other.’ HAHAHA.

10. Okay, Ruud and Rowena are the ultimate cuteness and those people just deserve a hard high five and the rest of their lives Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough. ‘Did we make it, buddy?’ Awh.

11. Oh help. Increased heart rate for Donny and Amijé. Danique nervously giggling while talking about the tattoo. Oh help. Mr. can't get around his feelings. A very hard crying and insecure Amijé, oh no, how sad.

12. Yeah, there are a hundred million other people who have ‘enjoy life’ tattooed on their bodies. Donny is talking so weakly about that tattoo, dude, just say nothing.

13. *Dramatic music starts. ‘I love you. I'm still crazy about you. But I think I need time for myself to see how I stand in a relationship. I'm sorry, this is not how I wanted it to go.’

14. Look, this is karma, huh. All the disaster tourists (like me) who hoped for a dirty hookup between Donny & Danique are now deeply touched in their hearts by the intensely sad pout of Amijé.

15. Okay, before we get depressed, quickly on to Gelina and Stefano. Oh help, Zwanetta is being called in...

Z: ‘The only thing I can say is that he falls for temptation. And um, that you should follow your heart.’

G: ‘Did you kiss? You can say it honestly.’

Z: ‘There were kisses given.’

G: ‘And were there more than just kisses?’

Z: ‘It was very nice.’
Respect for Gelina, because at this moment I would have officially held a swan fight and wings would have been broken.

16. Stefa-NOOOOOOOOOO, what are you doing? Kaj and Yolanthe are almost pulling the truth out of your throat and you're still lying. Digging the hole deeper and deeper. Do I really have to explain rule 1 of the Great Player Handbook to you? ‘Deny until death is a good strategy as long as the opposite can be proven. In that case: you're fucked anyway so just confess before it gets awkward.’

17. ‘Gelina, if you want, we can let you hear an audio fragment.’ Yep dude, here you go. Stefano: Can't. Handle. Panic. Normal. Look. Eyes. Exploding. Out. Skull. Deer. In. Headlight.

18. Audio fragment: ‘FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP’
Stefano: ‘It may be that we have had contact in one way or another.’

Seriously? No, but does this man really mean this? This is really not good, you know.

19. Open Twitter for a moment. One Stefano gem after another flies by. ‘I want to declare this day as National YOU PLAYED YOURSELF Day made possible by Stefano who unyieldingly denied that he touched Zwaantje's punaní despite many hints and setups.’

20. And at the moment Gelina says she has heard enough, you also get THIS sentence out of your throat? ‘I'm just being honest with you. Things happened. NO DUDE YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT HONESTLY.’

21. What we are giving away this week on my Insta @kikiduren? The Zwanetta goat wig worth 24.99 euros (perfect for kicking that one night stand out the door) and 3x The ‘Ruud’ dreamcatcher XL with homemade beads from Roween. Believe me, super ugly. Want it.

P.S.: Have we already realized that, uh, next week is just seriously the last broadcast?

P.P.S. Heart at the bottom if you're also going to cry at the thought. Sob.