Kiki's Temptation Island VIP ramblings
Episode 1 and 2
Godkannone, do you ever think about taking a summer break, do you ever think about picking up a LIFE, Videoland comes up with an extra season of Temptation Island . No, I'm not going to write about it. Kaj and Yolanthe are hosting. Damn, doubt. It's going to be a ‘Very Important Person’ variant. Double doubt. Donny Roelvink is participating. OKAY OKAY OKAY I'M WATCHING ALREADY, I'M WRITING ALREADY.
You disaster tourist. You know what time it is, right? This is going to be Dirty with a capital D. Time to ruin relationships. And to babble. In 3, 2, 1, goooooo.
1. The whispering voice has actually been promoted to extra text this season. “Temptation. Vips. Fuck me I’m famous.” She's just so good, that girl.
2. And then came the introduction round. Basically, it boiled down to this:
Ruud and Rowena
The Utopia couple. The Jesus Christ Superstar versus the jealous ghetto chick. By the way, I can totally see Ruud sticking his ecological penis in a piece of moss out of misery.
Niels and Rosanna
Both in military uniforms. Please stop, okay? Why are they participating? “Last Temptation Island was quite a thing in our relationship. And we’re trying to fix it a bit here now.” Ha-ha. HAHAHA. Sorry. You guys messed with the wrooooong show.
Donny and Amijé
Donny arrives on a boat. The tone is set for who the most important celebrity is here.
Just give me three more weeks and I’ll know how to pronounce her name correctly. Donny wonders how couples can mess up in god's name in eleven days. That’s not going to happen to them. Luckily, she’s not crying in the preview either.
Stefano and Gelina
Because the idea of scoring four VIP couples seemed easier than it was. Say hello to plan B: Stefa and Geli! You can bet that those two were cast to mess things up between the ‘steady’ couples.
3. Okay, everyone introduced? There’s my friend Kaj (when are we going to eat a falafel sandwich in bed again ?) together with Yolanthe in a cute leopard skirt. I already think this is a brilliant duo.Are you ready to meet the seductresses? No? Here they come anyway! (*pulls in a boatload of 100 cc of butt fat, silicone, and stick-on eyelashes).
4. Most painful comment of the evening: “HEY, NIELS HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND!” Cracking up on the couch. Yeah sorry Rosanna, but what did you expect? If the only pure thing about you is your belly button, then something is not right, girlfriend.
5. Well, it’s great that there’s finally someone who speaks up against those seductresses! Go Rowena. #InYourPunaniBitch.
6. Ah look, the editorial team has already got the first Stefano trump card. Inviting an ex-fling, that’s pure genius.
7. Meanwhile on the island: sixteen catfights for the attention of Donny ‘The Don’. It must be said: that guy looks fleeky. At the same time, they’re playing rock, paper, scissors to see who has to talk to Niels.
8. By the way, you really have to DARE to do that, because every time he opens his mouth, I feel like those bleached crowns want to pop out.
9. I’ve already found the new Megan of this season, you know? Ruud is going to cry. Just don’t do it. You know? Just don’t say ‘just’ so often.
10. And how many times is Rowena going to call herself ‘ghetto chick’?.
11. You can see right away: Rosanna and Rowena are going to become friends. They’re already practicing their biggest diss for when the seductresses come talking tough about their men. ‘Girl, just give him a blow job every day. And pay me later.’ YO MAMA!
12. The Limburg seducer Jay (really, love his accent, I’m cracking up) is already my boy. A voodoo doll as a gift. Brilliant already (unlike people who give pillows with their own head on them, ewhll…).
13. “I think their girlfriends are like those cheese sandwiches. A bit housewife-ish. I’m just that cheese sandwich with butter. Just that little extra.” Just for this kind of bad metaphors, I’m glad I’m watching again.
14. “Were there more people who felt a bit nauseous from Thies the taxi driver? Donny Roelvink the ”ugly’ version of him. Laughing out loud. Thies, you have no eyes. Stop it.
15. ‘I’m not really into bragging. But I have a penis. Seven crows can sit on it.’ HAHAHAHA OMG RUUD STOP IT SUBSTITUTE SHAME.
16. “The big question: will Kelly stay afloat?.
17. Oooooh, that firework. How awful. I would totally freak out. Ruud: “Those fireworks are going to cause a lot of stress. For every resident.” Dude, you’re not in Utopia anymore, right?
18. Niels, dude, come on. You’ve literally been in that house for eight minutes. “Our humor is totally not on the same wavelength. If she cheats, I’m really not the hardest one, you know. I’m really open to everything.”
19. Already the most iconic television conversation of 2018.“
20. N: I think I’m really sex addicted man. I really have trouble keeping myself in check.
F: I feel that too.
N: But you just said you’ve only had sex once, how can you be sex addicted?.
F: With myself.
N: I find you dangerous.
By the way, Niels finds it very positive that Fabiola has only had sex once in her life. Yeah, very positive, Niels, that she doesn’t remember anything about it.
21. Next week on Temptation Naailand Vips? New Year’s Eve takes place a bit earlier than planned, sea level actually raised by derrière Kelly AND Yolanthe Kabeltouw from Glasscherven messes up with Alex Maas. You know, doing those dirty things with your girl.
22. ? The Family XXL Fireworks Package worth 239.95 euros to blow up in your ex's garden, injecting 100 CC of your own fat into your earlobe (someone has to start the trends) and the limited edition condom line from Rowena ‘In your Punani Bitch’. Super fun and all. Want to have it.
P.S.: What we are giving away this week on my Instagram @kikidurenP.P.S.: Heart at the bottom if you must watch next week to see if Alex is back. It’s not a question. It’s a must.
See you next week, tigers.
Kiki’s Temptation Island VIP babbles (episode 1 and 2): Amayzine.com.
