The 10 reasons why I will never become a fitgirl

Since I started exercising, the Amayzers suspect me of trying to become a hashtag-fitgirl. I'm not, I can't, and I won't. For the simple reason(s) that it's impossible. I have ten compelling reasons for that. Are you with me? Check along.

1. I love cheese and pizza and sauce and bread

And I also really enjoy chocolate caramel-sea salt-like treats. If there's something edible on the table, I won't stop. On weekends, I devour burgers. I'm not picky, and just at lunch, I took a spoonful of speculoos spread.

2. I love full, fatty, white wine and white beers and Limoncello

One glass is not a glass is my motto, which means you sip (pour) back the calories you just lost.

3. I'm afraid of running

But really. Sometimes I try it, somewhere at a safe distance from people who can see me, but I'm not anatomically built to run very fast. I barely manage the mandatory round at the gym, but that's about it.

4. My figure doesn't fit the fitgirl image

I came into the world with an extra layer, let's call it well-preserved. That cozy layer can't be cycled, squatted, or boxed away. It stays with me and can't be dried out through training. Yes, that's how they seem to call it.

5. I would kill for anything with truffle

Such a risotto with perfect structure, with cream and then truffle. Or a nice spaghetti, again with cream and then truffle. Okay, okay, it has nothing to do with truffle, I love cream.

6. Those snazzy, spotted outfits scare me

With those psychedelic prints, where only mini legs fit and no Dutch thighs, like mine. And then such a crop top, which I haven't worn since I was thirteen.

7. The deadline to be a fitgirl has passed

Because I'm over thirty and trying to hop back into shape.

8. I don't take photos and I'm a disaster on Instagram

And to earn the title of fitgirl and show it off a bit, you have to make it public. Don't forget the hashtag fitguuuurrllll. And then do burpees ultra-slim without visible effort.

9. My fitgirl vocabulary doesn't extend beyond burpee

Well, alright. And squat and a lunge, not to be confused with lunch, which I always think about. But a scrunch (is this a word?) and all those terms to train your biceps, triceps, and I-don't-know-ceps I forget. I also panic when they shout terms I don't know or when they say I need to empty myself. How?

10. Because I prefer Uber over biking

I think it's genetically determined: the male side of my family bikes and the female side does not. I'm not a cyclist, never have been, and I'm afraid I never will be. I'm attached to my car, and when I need to go to Amsterdam, I just call an Uber my way.

So I'll leave being a fitgirl to the fitgirls.