The day you hear that you are having twins

I think I cried non-stop for five hours and actually every day that followed, too. From the shock, mostly. But also from the fear of the unknown.

If you’re still partying with all your friends in the pub in April and pretending to be sixteen, you get married at the end of May and by the end of August you know your mother is going to have two children, then that takes some getting used to. I’ve known I’m pregnant for almost five weeks now. Your life changes the moment of that positive test., everything changes already. Incredibly beautiful, absolutely desired, and a wonderfully exciting time. You feel different, you’re nauseous and tired and think ‘that’s just part of it’. You don’t think: there must be something else wrong with me. We were really looking forward to that first scan after eight weeks. Finally, we would find out if the heartbeat is there and if everything is okay. And then...

Your world turns upside down. Completely turned upside down. You can’t plan life. You learn that in three seconds. In three seconds, during which a midwife says: ‘Oh, wow, guys... I see another heartbeat here!’ She means it. She’s not joking. My husband exclaims: ‘Oh Jesus’ and ‘Oh God’. There are two. There are TWO babies growing in my belly. Right now, at this moment.

Wait a second, hormones are kicking in, let me grab a tissue.

The most honest thing I can say? I didn’t expect this and didn’t see it like this for myself before. I had envisioned my life differently. You think: I’m going to be a mother. Then in two, three years I’ll be a mother again. Nice. But you never, ever… think that it’s a double celebration in your belly. It’s a miracle. But also unknown and therefore very exciting. It happens to you. You only think: this isn’t happening to me. Not in my body. This is something for movies, for others. For acquaintances of yours. Well, not so.

Girlfriends are sweet, parents are sweet... But yes. I’m the only one for whom this is going to happen, now. They are going to grow in my body for the next seven months and I suddenly have to give birth to two and I have to take care of two little ones at the same time, somewhere in March next year. That unknown future makes me emotional. Plus: we have to move quickly out of Amsterdam. On top of that, after twelve years in my city. I can’t comprehend it and I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m very happy that everything looks healthy, that’s for sure. The idea of becoming a mother? I’m happy about that too. I’m ready for that. And it’s a gift that we are so fertile, that it happened so quickly. I’m aware of that. But at 29, to be a mother of two right away? That needs to settle.

Again: you can plan a lot in your life, but not this. You can choose your husband, plan your wedding down to the last detail, buy your favorite house, and adopt your cute Whiskas kittens from a litter. But this happens. This is real life. I still don’t see myself as the mother of twins. I never envisioned it like this, that it would happen to us. And from now on, I’m going to experience it all. I’m going to accept it more each day. Hopefully, I’ll be less nauseous and emotional each day, so I’ll start enjoying being pregnant more. The day they are both here in this world and they are my own little ones, I will love them the most. I already know that. Of course. Your own children, the most beautiful thing there is. I’m looking forward to that. But first, a next level pregnancy. And that’s quite something.

I find it special that so much is happening in my belly right now, that’s for sure. But I’m especially very, very emotional. Because I’m afraid of the unknown. The double unknown.