The things I suddenly hear myself saying now that I am a mother

This is a call for all mothers-to-be: do you, like me, think that you have figured out parenthood down to the last detail? How you are going to raise your child and especially what you should not do or say? Well, forget it. I also thought I could determine what would be on my Do’s & Don’ts list in advance, but looking back at that list, I have already strayed quite a bit from the path... Here are my top four statements that I need to reconsider now that I am a mother:

• In the past, I was really annoyed by babies and kids with such an enormous crusted snot nose. “Just wipe it with a tissue, it’s not that much trouble, right?!” Well, I learned the hard way. When Otis was so congested that a new booger was hanging every minute, I almost had a full-time job keeping his nose clean. At one point, he started crying when I came near with my tissue, and when I tried to quickly wipe his nose, I did it just a bit too hard, causing a small wound... Oops, I felt like the worst mother on earth for a moment. In hindsight, a little snotty nose isn’t so bad, as long as it stays within limits, of course.

• Calm, Cleanliness and Regularity: when someone mentioned the three R's, I would already start to hiccup. “From the beginning, I’ll just take that little one everywhere with me, he’ll fall asleep anywhere and won’t become clingy at all.” Now Otis is incredibly easy and his first year went perfectly, but by now he really needs his own bed and (especially before bedtime) some peace in the tent. Alright then, three little r's have now been accepted.

• I’m sitting in a restaurant and just took a bite of my delicious appetizer, until I look straight into the face of a mother who just took a piece of food from her mouth to feed her son! “Yeah right, we’re not doing that! Can’t you just cut that food into tiny pieces?!” Until we were sitting in a restaurant during our last vacation and one of our friends cautiously asked: “Uh Caar, just a question purely out of interest: why do you taste all of Otis's bites thoroughly first?!” Oh shit, it has crept in: by now he can eat decent bites, but I still taste every bite just to be sure for large pieces, heat, and whether there’s a lost bone in a fish: better safe than sorry, right?! Oh well, those people can just look the other way.

• Those parents who talk to their child as if they are idiots, unbelievable! “I’m just going to speak to my child normally, because it also seems terrifying to me if an adult comes extremely close and starts talking to me in a silly tone.” Until you attract his attention with some weird sound and hope that he will put on such an extreme laugh next time. Ah great, by now I’ve been making ridiculous hand and mouth movements in public for five minutes straight and Otis is looking at me somewhat stoically. That last time turned out to be a lucky shot, better come up with another weird sound...