Why cheating doesn't mean your relationship has failed at all

It happens to the happiest couples

No dark cloud in sight. He is happy, you are happy. Of course, there isn't as much cuddling in bed every day anymore, but hey, it's nice to be together like this, so familiar.

And yet... Even the happiest couples can have serious issues. If a good relationship hits a bump, it's pretty awkward for the other person. It feels like failure, like a setback.

Because, you will automatically think: then something isn't right in the relationship. And if you've been cheated on: he probably wants a relationship with that other person and not with me anymore. But no. People are not always looking for a new relationship when they jump into bed with someone other than their own partner. Even happy people can be unfaithful, it turns out. Perhaps just as often as unhappy people cheat.

How come? Cheating is more of a quest for yourself, for who you really are. You might be missing something in your relationship, but it's not so much that you miss something about your partner, you miss something within yourself, in that relationship. Have you always wanted to make a career in that other field but never dared to take that step? That gnaws at you. Do you have a difficult relationship with your mother and is it just not going well with your mother-in-law? That makes you insecure. You seek confirmation from a lover, you do it purely for yourself, you want to know that you are allowed to be there, that you are fun and good enough. That dose of self-confidence is hard to get from your current partner because they know you too well. They know all your ups and downs, they were there when you felt down. You are looking for someone with a fresh perspective.

People who cheat are looking for excitement, for some fireworks in their lives and in their bed. That doesn't mean that the relationship they have is over or that they don't want to continue with it. They just want to know how it can be different. More often than not, that person regrets the decision and then puts extra energy into the relationship. Precisely because that person knows: the grass is not greener on the other side of temptation. A lesson you can only learn if you've done it. And that's exactly why it doesn't mean your relationship fails afterward. It can actually become deeper, more intense, and better.

What can you do if you've been cheated on? Then you are often able to scrutinize every detail. You want to know who that other woman is, what she does, who her friends are. Don't do this. It only makes it worse for yourself. Talk openly about it with your partner and ask why it happened. What is it that he misses in the relationship, in his life? What did it mean for him? And to cheer you up: most men are still in love with their wives when they cheating. They often don't know how to fix their relationship problems otherwise. Sounds a bit easy, but unfortunately, that's how it works in the world of infidelity. It's just how you both deal with it.

But whether you did it yourself or you are the victim of his cheating behavior: don't let it feel like failure. If you still love each other, it mainly means a new start. And perhaps an even better start.

FACTS

• Women mainly cheat after their 40s, men around their 30s
• 88% of the relationships in which someone cheats on the other are not broken
• 42% of all blondes cheat compared to 20% of all brunettes