These are the most bizarre DMs that Lynn received this week
Every week I receive about three hundred direct messages on Instagram. The majority of those private messages consist of questions about my highlighter, new coat, or the paint color that is smeared on my wall. But among those thirty-seven thousand followers, there are also quite a few weirdos who slide into my DMs with their own kind of requests or photos. Yep, that kind of photos. They actually disappear straight into my trash bin (haha). But sometimes I do reply. Fasten your seatbelts, these are the weirdest messages in my inbox this week (and this is how I brushed them off):
1. I just mentioned photos from a certain genre, and those are indeed the dick pics. They make my insides turn. Luckily, I've only ‘opened’ three in my life, one of which was accidentally last week. I block the sender for life. Actually, I always delete messages from vague names that say ‘open image’. That way, I don't often encounter a ‘hard’ surprise. However, last Monday it went wrong for a moment. Half a day without appetite, and thanks.
2. Dick pics are by far the worst DMs, but there are certainly other messages that make this list. This weekend, for example, I received a request from a total stranger asking if I wanted to go to the ABN AMRO tennis tournament with him. He was quite generous, as I could join ‘without any strings attached’. Wow, I'm so lucky.
Response: ‘Nah, I’ll pass.’
3. A GIF of a jumping goat. That makes me quite happy. But I was less cheerful about the bad pickup line that followed: ‘Oh, how did I end up here? I just stumbled into your DM.’
Response: … (sound of silence)
4. Or this one: ‘Do I know you from Greece? Because all the goddesses come from there.’
Response: ‘Calm your titties, Hercules.’
5. Besides an invitation to a sports event, someone asked me to go on vacation this week: ‘I’ve arranged an Airbnb in Lisbon, do you want to come?’ Anyone reading this interested in a city trip?
Response: ‘No thanks.’
6. This was the response from a follower (who still has a girlfriend) regarding a giveaway on my Instagram: ‘When can your loyal followers win a date with you?’
Response: radio silence.
7. For convenience, I categorize the ‘Do you want to marry me’, ‘I want to be your sugar daddy’, ‘I can make you happy’, ‘Hello beauty, I love you’ all under the same label. The genre that wants to buy me in exchange for five camels. You know what I mean, right?
Response: ‘If you offer six, we have a deal.’
Man, man, man. Man yes, because one hundred percent of the population has a little willy, as teacher Ank would call it. But one big plus, yes, it’s never boring in my inbox.
