“I feel the violence racing through my body”

Het leven van Tess Hoens is geweldig, maar bij haar liep het zwanger worden niet zoals ze had gedacht. Omdat er van schone schijn al genoeg is en omdat eerlijkheid helpt, schrijft ze over hoe haar zwangerschap verloopt. Deze week vertelt ze over de bevalling.

I am pushed into room 411 by the midwife and I don't know how quickly I need to take off my bathrobe to dive into the hospital bed, groaning and panting. I can no longer breathe through the contractions, I roll around the bed, searching for a comfortable position that cannot be found. I was never afraid of giving birth. I had been looking forward to proving that I would do well, that I would be brave. That I would stay calm and bring our son into the world without pain relief. A wave of disappointment washes over me as I consider screaming that I want an epidural. No, not yet, let's wait a bit longer. The labor is progressing very quickly, maybe this pain will only last a little while longer. ‘Tess, sweetheart, try to get out of bed for a moment. We'll put you under the shower. The warm water will relieve the pain.’ Everything in me says I want to stay lying down but I trust her expertise and hoist myself up.

The water is splashing on my back but it doesn't relieve the pain. I'm going crazy, can I actually handle all of this? In the movies, you see women screaming that they want an epidural right now but I hear myself hesitantly squeaking: ‘I might want an epidural.’ Might? Might? I want to be laid flat now. Why don't I dare to make that clear? The midwife looks at me questioningly. ‘Are you sure? I can't feel your pain, but your contractions are coming very quickly one after the other. Maybe we should indeed see what is still possible in terms of pain relief because this is exhausting you. I just think you have too much dilation for an epidural.’ She stands up and leaves the room. My boyfriend helps me back to the bed.

‘The only thing we can do at this stage is a morphine pump and that seems like a wise plan to me. Your baby is in a wrong position, they call that a star-gazer. That's why you already have the urge to push but the further dilation isn't progressing well.’ ‘Yes!’ This time I do shout: ’I want that!‘ While we wait for the magical pump, my boyfriend pushes on my lower back with each contraction for an hour. He strokes my hair and tells me I'm doing well.

‘Honey, how are you doing?’ ‘I'm fine, you can just close your eyes,’ my boyfriend replies. The IV with morphine is connected and I have a button in my hand that I can press when it gives the green light. Then I get a new shot and life is fantastic again for a moment. It certainly doesn't take away all the pain, but it makes me so incredibly high that the pain doesn't bother me anymore. I want to know how my boyfriend is doing. I want kisses. I want to chat and I want to take pictures of us together. It feels like I've taken a party drug. And in between all this, I keep falling into a light sleep, allowing me to get some rest. Occasionally, a man, who later turns out to be the gynecologist, comes to feel how far my dilation is between my legs. I already have a lot of urge to push but I'm not allowed to yet.

‘Okay woman, here we go. We're going to push,’ says the gynecologist. Puffing away the urge to push for so long makes it fantastic that I can finally apply pressure. My boyfriend is also happy that there is finally some action again. During the morphine phase, he had just been playing Candy Crush while I mumbled nonsense to him. Now he takes my hand. ‘You can do it, sweetheart.’ I get clear instructions to pull my legs up and place my hands in my knee hollows. I need to push my elbows out while keeping my chin on my chest. All of this must be done without screaming because that costs too much energy. The gynecologist is at the foot of my bed. Next to him are two nurses. My boyfriend is sitting next to me. All four encourage me. ‘You're doing so well!’ ‘It's going really fast!’ ‘He has her!’ ‘Good job, woman!’ ‘Elbows out, chin on your chest!’ ‘Just a little longer!’ I get a kick from all the shouting. This pushing is actually quite fun too. I have no idea how long I've been at it when the gynecologist says: ‘I think he will be here with the next contraction.’ A little emotion, a little fear, he's coming. I'm going to meet him. As long as I love him and don't get any strange feelings. I feel the force rushing through my body again and squeeze my eyes shut. I put all the strength of the whole world into my lower half and feel the most wonderful feeling ever. A little body comes out of me. My hands reach forward, I take my son and naturally lay him on my chest. He cries and that's good. Everything is good. Our son is here! David.