“Pain in my stomach, but especially the pain in my head and my heart”
The life of Tess Hoens is amazing, but even for her, there are things that don't quite go as she had hoped. And she wants to write about that. Because there is already enough of a facade and because honesty helps. Tess has a desire for children, but getting pregnant is still not working. This week she reflects on her miscarriage.
In the middle of the canal, he stops the car and turns on the hazard lights. My father had asked if I wanted to take a drive, it had been a few days since we heard the bad news at the hospital. After the ultrasound back at the desk with the nurse specialist, I felt that my whole face was wet, I think from tears but I couldn't remember crying. I had gone silent, it felt like I felt nothing. My boyfriend constantly squeezed my hand tightly and stroked my fingers with his thumb. To comfort me but also to comfort himself.
The blonde woman told us about all the options we had now. Waiting for natural miscarriage of the fetus (that could take weeks), taking pills that induce a kind of mini contractions to lose it, or a curettage. I didn't hear half of it and the other half I didn't want to hear and so I left the hospital with the choice for the first option. I didn't want anything for a while, just to let it sit. But the next morning my dear colleague who had gone through the same thing called, she said: ‘I would take those pills, stay home for a few days and take some time for it. Letting it sit now will only make you attach more to it and then it will come unexpectedly in a few weeks and you'll be in a lot of pain while you might be at work.’ She was right, and so I had already been home for a few days waiting with mini contractions until something came out of me..
We are in front of Puccini, one of the best chocolate shops in Amsterdam. He runs inside, I stay in the car with my hot water bottle pressed against my belly and see him pointing out a lot of different chocolates. He comes back to the car and hands me the large, dark blue box. I open it and start greedily munching on it, it eases all the pain a little. The pain in my lower abdomen but especially the pain in my head and my heart. Because yes, that’s how this feels: like the worst heartbreak ever. Over something so small, but to which we were already so attached. When you have a broken heart, you should eat chocolate and then immediately the best in the city. Dad was right about that.
Written by: Tess Hoens
