Why it is difficult to be happy for someone else
Perhaps jealousy is the most secret part of yourself that you are least proud of. Because it's not very chic: when things are going super duper well with your friend, you can hardly stand it.
One gets a promotion and suddenly earns hundreds of euros more per month. Another is pregnant. The next one buys a huge house and lives lavishly, has that bag you've been saving for ages, and has thick hair. It's often hard to be very happy for someone else, even if ‘that someone else’ is a good friend of yours. Why is that? Why are we so selfish sometimes?
Experts explain: your behavior is human. “We constantly compare ourselves to others,” says communication professor Susanne Jones in the Greatist. “How are we doing compared to our friends? We look at appearance, weight, income, intelligence – all sorts of factors.” You are constantly engaged in social comparison, and when you are surrounded by slim, smart, and wealthy people who flaunt their sky-high salaries, you quickly feel like a failure. You feel jealous. To mask that unpleasant feeling, you like to hear when someone else is having a hard time. That essentially means not being able to be happy for someone else: actually being happy when things aren't going so well with a friend with whom it is normally always sunshine and happy kisses. So it comes from your natural way of comparing: if you go to a village full of small huts in Africa, you will feel very differently about your own life than when you settle down on a terrace in Amsterdam-Zuid.
The trick is simple, because we all sometimes find it hard to be super happy for that other person, especially if that person has something you have wanted for years. But what psychologists say you can do with these emotions is draw inspiration from them. Feel motivated. Is she on vacation again? Fine, you learn from that: you plan next month another sunny weekend away. You don't have to imitate someone, quite the opposite. That makes you an annoying follower. But see the people around you, with all their success and happiness, as a true source of inspiration. Learn from the success of others. Ask yourself when feeling jealous: why do I feel this way? What is it that I really want? Would I be happier with a baby or a big house, or do I just think that? Often, your thoughts about this are not the truth, but stem from pure emotion.
Of course, it's easy to say, but harder to do: try not to constantly compare yourself to others around you. Your happiness is not their happiness and vice versa. Your job is not their dream job and vice versa. Remember that everyone, no matter how attractive and nice they are, also has insecurities. That everyone sometimes feels sad and gets their share of bad luck in life. So you are not worse off than others, and you are not better off either. Count your blessings: at the moment you feel envy, just start mentally listing what you have to be grateful for. And then that stupid feeling fades away, and you can genuinely smile at your friend and her good news. Because you wish her well, you know that yourself.
Envy, jealousy: it's the easy way out. But seriously looking at yourself and reflecting on your own life, cherishing what you have, realizing that you are already so much better off than most people in this world, that's what you really grow from as a person.
