Why it is so hard to say no

Hell no to the no no no. Do you want to help me move, can you do this or that for me, may I borrow your favorite jeans? A few examples that everyone encounters and where you might say ‘yes’ out of politeness, even though you would rather not. But why is saying no so complicated?

I fell for it recently. One moment I received a message from a friend about a bootcamp and two days later I was outside on the cold ground in a plank position at three degrees. Maybe we are afraid of being seen as the bad guy if we simply say no once. Let's be honest, how many times have you said yes to something you actually didn't want?

Gijs Deckers is a philosopher and gives workshops focused on this topic. Deckers told Vogue that you can link it to evolution, because being excluded by the group was life-threatening in the past. From the perspective of cognitive behavioral therapy, it can also be clearly explained. There are fears associated with it, including the fear of being rejected and the so-called Imposter Syndrome. Suppose you were excluded in the past, then you think from that experience that you have to say yes to most questions, because otherwise you might be excluded again. You are fighting with previous fears and experiences. That’s why it’s so difficult to say no.

This is how you say no in a nice way: 

1. Nice that you ask, but no.
2. Sorry, that unfortunately won't work.
3. Come up with another suggestion that you can do.
4. Can I think about it for a moment?
5. Not right now.
6. I don't think this suits me.
7. I won't be able to do that, maybe I can do something else.
8. And of course a simple ‘no’. Nice and direct.

So the next time that less pleasant classmate from way back reaches out to you again, remember: no is also an answer. When you say yes to something, you say no to yourself.