You must not forget this when arguing with your partner

The closer my friend and I get to vacation, the more often one of us storms up the stairs or runs into the garden (thank goodness we now have an extra floor and a patch of land behind the house to escape to). We are like a barrel filled with an unstable substance, where the lid starts to come loose. We know it, we laugh about it afterwards. with a glass of wine and yet it happens every year again. By the way, I don't consider this a fight, it's more like small controlled outbursts. But now that we're talking about fights, how much of that is actually healthy to have in a relationship?

Healthy yes, because making up after a fight is absolutely necessary, say the experts, but you have to do it the right way. It's important to not give your fight-or-flight system a chance to take over, because then it becomes dangerous. Suddenly, with my garden-running reaction, I get the feeling that I haven't quite mastered the art of fighting yet. Although fighting does indicate a healthy relationship, because it means you care about each other. Look, at least you can throw that into the mix when things get heated again. It's normal that you sometimes disagree in a relationship; just because you don't fight doesn't mean it isn't there. Yes, think about that the next time you say you don't fight, because apparently you do without saying it.

The ideal duration of a fight is known, because scientists have shown that after ten minutes it’s no longer about coming together but about being right. At this point, the fight loses all purpose and you are mainly stubborn. This is also where most fights go completely wrong, because if you fight this way, you only focus on your own opinion. If you fight constructively, you are also open to the other person's perspective and opinion. Honestly, I think ten minutes sounds quite short for a good fight, but maybe that's just me and my stubbornness.

With the occasional bit of fighting, there's nothing wrong, but be careful that it doesn't become structural. If you regularly start bickering every morning after breakfast or if every Sunday morning ends in a heated discussion, then that certainly doesn't bode well for your relationship. In fighting, it's about quality, not quantity. So make sure that when you fight, it’s really a good fight. Two things you should definitely not forget according to assertief.nl (and they should know) are: making a joke in between (that takes the heat or chill out of the air) and also taking a moment to consider your partner's point of view.