Ah, so that's how you get someone out of your allergy zone

It starts with a small sting of irritation. Maybe it was a comment or an action. Either way: someone in your environment (a colleague, neighbor, family member) suddenly appears on your radar and not in a good way. After that, ‘stupid’ things surrounding the person in question seem to pile up.

How is it possible that someone suddenly ends up in your allergy zone? And more importantly: how do you get him/her out of there? First of all, realize – and this is something to take in – that YOU are the one who is bothered by this. It could very well be that the other person doesn’t experience it that way at all. And there you are, ultimately feeling irritated and worked up. Why can this person even get under your skin and occupy your mind? The answer is more confronting (and at the same time more beautiful) than I had thought in advance… Ready?

Usually, allergies revolve around a disbalance in our own system, and that is where our learning and growth process lies. That’s it. Bam. Nothing more, nothing less.

Write down what bothers you so much about the other person. Take a closer look at it. What triggers this person? That is precisely the same thing that you probably somewhat disapprove of in yourself. Simply put: everything you reject, the other person has. Where one might go overboard (quality or pitfall), you would want a little more of that.

Example: you find a colleague selfish. You have placed her in the box: ‘she only thinks of herself’. Now you absolutely do not want to be seen as selfish yourself. Have you ever thought that you might want to stand up for yourself better or have more self-confidence? Then there lies your lesson. Maybe you suddenly find yourself irritated by that friend with whom everything always seems to go well. You might have labeled her in your mind as a fair-weather player, maybe even as fake. This could then lead you to say that you do this yourself (and that this is the part you disapprove of in yourself). Or: that you are a bad-weather player and your allergy person shows exactly the opposite. These traits are therefore extremely magnified and mirrored by the person who is in your allergy zone.

What has really helped me to get people out of my allergy zone (and trust me: when you feel that it has worked, it feels like a huge liberation!) is the realization that people never consciously bring up unpleasant feelings in you. My experience with this is that we never want to hurt each other consciously at first. Does that other person intensely irritate you? Then there is already a pain point. Another person can never evoke a feeling in you that isn’t already there.

But much more importantly: how do you deal with this feeling now? I think of the song ‘Thank u, next’ by Ariana Grande. ‘I’m so grateful for my ex,’ she sings. One taught her to love, another patience, another how to deal with pain. And that’s why she is grateful. Because all these people have come into her life to teach her something.

Look at the person you find so ‘stupid’ at the moment with softened eyes. This person has come into your life to tell you something very important. This person helps you unconsciously remember that your irritation (a pain point from the past) deserves to be felt, seen, and healed, so that you can explore it and ultimately let it go. Isn’t it bizarre to view your frenemies through that lens?

Now that you know this, you also know that you have a lot of influence on your share in irritations. Mirrors come into your life that will go again. They are all lessons that shape you into a more beautiful you. So the next time you look him/her in the eyes, be grateful. Acceptance feels much more relaxed than irritation. In fact, the whole thing then takes on something beautiful.

Thank u, next.