My desire for children: “I never thought it would be like this for me”
From former model to nutrition consultant, Michelle den Hollander flew around the world from shoot to show, but also experienced the struggles of having the ‘right’ measurements. This brought her to where she is now, and on Amayzine she shares tips.
It is a wish that my friend and I have had for a long time, but until a few months ago that wish did not come true. He and I have been together for almost eight years now and in October 2018 we were ready for the next step. Our wish was to have a little one.
I find it quite difficult to put my story on paper and share it because: what a ride. You don't just take a child and you don't just get one. I knew this and always said it, but I never thought it would apply to me so literally. Nothing could be further from the truth. After half a year of stopping the pill, my menstruation was still so irregular that I decided to reach out to my GP. The years of using the pill was the first reaction, but after insisting, I did get a referral to the gynecologist.
First, we had to fill out a form and then we could make an appointment together. Before I knew it, we were in the whirlwind to get pregnant. I turned out to have PCOS. The gynecologist gave me two choices: either go back on the pill or start medication to get a good ovulation that could be fertilized.
Just a brief explanation: PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is not a disease but a syndrome. This means that there are multiple symptoms that do not all manifest in every woman. PCOS presents itself differently in every woman. It can be a reduced or absent ovulation, excessive body hair, acne, baldness, a too high free testosterone level in the blood, or more than twelve cysts per ovary. A doctor determines this with the help of an ultrasound.
I went from ‘I stop taking the pill and we'll see’ to ‘spontaneously getting pregnant is not an option’. The fact that the only option was a medical procedure in the hospital came as a thunderbolt. Oof, how I would have liked to know then that there were also other choices. But our desire for children was there, so we entered a process of medication, many ultrasounds, and even more pregnancy tests.
Last February it was time. My friend and I could not believe our eyes. A positive test. Totally unexpected, especially because we did three early tests during our vacation. The positive test was right in the middle of our winter sports holiday with family, so we had to share it immediately. Quite bizarre, but also nice and special.
Especially because of the process afterwards, as the weeks leading up to the first ultrasound were incredibly exciting. Nauseous from nerves and fear, we went to the hospital. A week later again and then a week later again. The pregnancy turned out not to be going well, the embryo did not grow beyond the size of a poppy seed. We had to terminate the pregnancy.
Next week: the continuation of Michelle's story.
Every two weeks, Michelle shares tips on Amayzine about healthy living, know-how about healthy eating, and her own story. Already curious? Read up on Michelle’s Good Food.
