Real Life: ‘My relationship is falling apart due to my low libido’

Mireille and her boyfriend Sam have been together for almost three years. If it were up to Mireille, they would already be living together. Sam is still holding off a bit, and lately their relationship is not what it used to be. The reason: they have somewhat lost each other in the sexual area.

‘To be completely honest, I often feel a bit like a boring box. I know rationally that this is really not justified, but I still often get that feeling from Sam, even though he probably doesn't really mean it that way. It's also not something that has been present throughout our entire relationship, but it started almost a year ago.

Sam and I could always talk very well about everything: we hardly ever had fights over miscommunications or anything like that. And we were head over heels in love with each other. That ‘honeymoon’ phase lasted for us at least about a year and a half. We were incredibly mushy, and we could spend days together without getting tired of each other.

Of course, that was also the time when our sex life was at its best. I thought that was part of it: in the beginning, you can't keep your hands off each other and you want to have sex as often as possible. But for me, that faded quite quickly. I just don't really have a high libido, I think; in my previous relationships, my partners were already dissatisfied with this.

So I pretended for quite a long time that I had the same libido as Sam. But pretending and making an effort started to really bother me at some point. That's why I indicated to him that I could also settle for a bit less often per week. I still don't think he has anything to complain about, because we do it at least once a week. And honestly: I think that's enough. More than enough even: once every two weeks is also fine for me.

It's not that I don't find him attractive or exciting. I just don't feel like it that often. When I discuss this with my girlfriends, they think I'm crazy: ‘Then just make yourself in the mood!’ But that's just not how it works for me. I tried that for a while, but I don't feel comfortable with it. And it's not like I'm happy afterward that I went along with it. I feel more relieved.

Sam doesn't understand it at all and takes it very personally. He is afraid that I no longer find him attractive, or that I would find ‘satisfaction’ elsewhere. He simply cannot believe that I just don't have the desire beyond this. Lately, it has led to quite a few discussions because Sam feels rejected and is becoming increasingly suspicious. I feel increasingly insecure about my libido, which is apparently ridiculously low.

Now I'm thinking about talking to a psychologist or sexologist. But on the other hand, that also feels like I'm admitting that something is wrong with me, while I am really happy in our relationship. I am head over heels in love and I don't want to lose him, but I think our sex life (minus the arguments) is really fine as it is.

It feels so ridiculous if our relationship would fall apart over this, and I know that Sam absolutely doesn't want that either. But since my exes have also complained about my low libido, I am starting to get scared that it is my fault and that this will become a recurring problem.

Is it weird that I don't want sex every day? In the beginning, Sam was still a bit understanding, but by now, sex is a topic that inevitably leads to arguments. I really don't want our relationship to fall apart over this, but lately, it seems to be heading that way.’

We asked people for their honest story and to avoid hurting others, the names of Mireille and Sam have been changed.