The brutal and ruthless becoming-a-parent checklist

I realize that everything I am going to write under this heading confirms the premise. Just the word ‘premise’ alone. What normal young person still uses that? You think you’re still 26, but if that were true (and that’s not true either, believe me), then that young mind is trapped in an old body. Alright: body. Sounds just a bit nicer. Think you’re still far from that, then do the checklist. If you check no, then you’re still on the safe side. If you’re a nodder regarding this checklist, then at least you’re in my box and that’s nice.

1. Watching TV during the day is not done
Yes, useful things like the news or a rerun of Jinek are allowed. But letting The Undoing simmer while you’re writing a piece? No option. I did it for five minutes this afternoon during my ‘lunch break’ and already felt intensely guilty about it.

2. Almost all the idols from your youth have passed away
David Bowie, Prince, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston… Not so strange, because they were already established when you were still a teenager, so they are a bit older. Add to that their generally somewhat reckless hand when it comes to serving up portions of pills and other mind-expanding pleasures, and the chance of an earlier death is there. But still, they are dead. And you are therefore old.

3. You have CDs
And a CD player. And you still play them sometimes. Because in the end, you also find a CD player nice because you can travel along your CDs with your gaze and then get inspired.

4. You have DVDs
And a DVD player for that matter. If someone mentions that, I’m always glad I threw that Betacam recorder out of the house.

5. You say, very occasionally but still, guilder instead of euro

6. You really find it very strange if someone was born after 2000

7.  You have to scroll down for a long, long time if you have to check your birth year on a site

8.  You now find it strange if someone doesn’t say ‘you’ to you

9.  Sorry, this is going to hurt: you have most of your working life behind you

10. Your friends' children are having sex

11. You find it special if your friends are still menstruating

12. Almost all your friends have a second home or are considering it

13. None of your peers have living grandparents

14. You have friends who are divorced

15. You take photos of the menu to secretly enlarge it on your screen

16. You turn on your phone's flashlight to look at the menu.

17. You curse the makers of the newspapers for using small print

18. You read a newspaper at all. On paper.

19. You know that Ron Brandsteder is the father of Rick Brandsteder.

20. That you find out that you have written this article before.
And once again.

Image: Lidian van Megen